Hello Again

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Well, it’s been a long time since I posted a blog. I guess you get to a point in your life sometimes where things are so overwhelming that you can’t write them out. That’s usually the time you should actually write things out, but sometimes when I’m overwhelmed I do the exact opposite of the things that are going to make me feel better.

The rift in my family has grown to such that I don’t think it will ever be repaired. I’m having major abandonment issues as well as flashbacks to being younger and being forced to choose family allegiances. It’s all been extremely triggering.

I think my medications are doing a decent job. I’ve had a lot of paranoia lately but I can’t say whether that is chemical or deep psychological issues. As I’ve expressed before, my coping mechanism seems to be to ignore what is really troubling me and direct all of my energy into baseless terrors.

My kids are back in school, they’re about to start week two. I haven’t done anything with my free time yet. I want to work on streaming my gaming on Twitch.tv. I actually have steamed a few times, only once with my webcam on. If I really get into it I can monetize.

I’ve been losing a lot of weight, I’m down to almost where I want to be. I’ve been working out some but mostly it’s been IBS caused by my high anxiety levels. So I need to step up my workouts in case the IBS stops because I do NOT want to gain all of the weight back. I’ve also been eating healthier except for the last few days. I just cannot gain this weight back; I feel terrible when I’m fat. I need to get a tummy tuck really badly, between having my two kids and letting myself get so big I have more loose skin than I care for.

I don’t know what else to write about or comment on. I have all these internal struggles but there’s so much shit going on in the world around me. I don’t have any unique thoughts to add to the cacophony.

 

Image Credit: https://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com

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Getting Better

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I never intended my blog to begin with a mental health crisis, but here we are.

Three days in, my obsessive “stuck” thoughts are finally quieting on their own without outside chemical help.

I would like this blog to be a bit more “lifestyle” but honestly I live in a tiny cluttered apartment and wear clothes too big for me because I’m losing weight.

I guess I could write about that, but there’s not much to write about. I watch what I eat and I own a foldable exercise bike I bought off Amazon. My depression and medication made me gain some weight over the last few years (I don’t like to say made per se, as I made my own decisions also leading to weight gain) but now that I’m on a better regimen and just in a better mental place I am back on track to a healthy lifestyle. And I think the lifestyle moniker is the important thing: if you do something simply to lose weight, once you are at your goal all you’ll want to do is go back to your old ways. If you change the way you LIVE to a way that makes you feel truly good both physically and mentally, then there’s no way you’ll ever want to go back to your old ways. Sudden crises barring, of course…

Prior to the extra weight I have on me now, I had eaten and biked my way to a happy place physically and mentally. But a lot of bad things happened all at once and I fell off the wagon. Add to that the weight gain side effects of some psychiatric medications, and I was suddenly back to where I had been before. Which of course just made the depression even worse. And so it was a vicious cycle.

It was a lot of mental work (and work with a psychiatrist!) to be able to get to a place where I could decide to finally get back on track.

I understand how hard it is- so I NEVER judge someone for the physical shape they are in. Obesity (and underweight!) are not just off-hand, one-dimensional choices. “Oh, I think I’ll be an overeater! Oh, I think I’ll starve myself for months! You know, just because!” No. There’s a lot more involved than that.

“Everyone you encounter is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

My thoughts on people’s propensities for judgment and their need to vocalize said judgments are best saved for another time, another blog post. Suffice it to say, though I harbor judgments and prejudices just like everyone else in the world, I try my best to keep them to myself.

“If you propose to speak, always ask yourself: is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”

It can be hard to hold your opinions in. Sometimes it feels like you really should or have to say something. I can’t tell you how often, before I left Facebook, I would type a comment or a post and almost send it, or send it and then delete it right after. I would think to myself, what is the true purpose of saying this? Many times it was just because I saw something that I took personally and, out of offense, felt the need to defend myself. But the majority of the time, especially on a platform like Facebook, people are just speaking to hear themselves speak and if they get a whiff of a post or comment that disagrees with them, they won’t even read it till the end. You’re either preaching to the choir or spitting into the wind on a platform like Facebook.

Here’s the thing: on one hand, I am an opinionated person who would like to have their opinion heard. On the other hand, I have thought to myself: who really wants to hear my opinion, especially when there are so many other opinions just being spat about, thousands and millions an hour on Facebook alone?

Referencing a part of my blog last night: I had convinced myself that my opinions were unworthy and needed to be silent. Which is honestly so strange for me in some ways. Let me tell you why:

When I was younger I was a huge loudmouth! I am an opinionated person and, as a child/teenager/very young adult, felt like if I had an opinion I HAD to voice it! It’s honestly a lot to do with how I was raised/who I was raised by. But my youth is not something I will be addressing in this blog post LOL.

As I got older, and I’d like to think wiser, I held my tongue more. And more. And suddenly, I hardly EVER said ANYTHING. And, now that I’m on the cusp of another birthday, I’ve been thinking very seriously about myself and who I truly am, and if I’m being prudent or just cowardly.

I decided that, either way, Facebook was toxic to me and was NOT the platform I would use for this newfound need to express myself. So I got rid of it. (Though I do miss the ease of keeping in contact with friends and family-at least the positive contact anyway!)

Thus, this blog was born. And I’m still not certain of the exact direction it’s taking, and I have serious doubts as to whether it will ever be read. But it still feels good to speak my truth and to send it into the ether. Maybe one day my words will resonate with someone. Maybe I’ll help or inspire someone. That would be my biggest hope.

For now, it’s mostly been navel gazing, but I suppose that’s alright, too.

 

 

Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/