Moving Forward



I have a lot on my mind right now.

My personal/family issues have evolved.

My brain seems to be trying to cope by making me feel even worse, digging up old memories, paranoias, and hurts. I guess to distract myself from this new pain with old, familiar pains. So, um, thanks for that you fucking scumbag brain.

I think my new dosage of medication is finally starting to sink in. Having anxiety like that is literal hell on earth. If there was a hell I definitely feel like it would be nothing but panic attacks all the time. I can’t think of much worse.

I emailed one of my family members in regards to an (inadvertent) hurt that has been placed upon me and now I await the response.

I messaged my brother about it and he hasn’t responded so maybe he thinks that was a bad idea.

I don’t know.


Writing this at 10 pm. It’s taken me all day to put this entry together LOL. I received my email back and it was very validating and very helpful. It’s one of the better things that has happened to me this year.

I’m still working on my name change.

I rode my bike.

Been thinking about life and about all the stupid crap I worry about all the time. How obsessively I hate my body and worry that it’s not hot enough to make people want me. How lame is that? I don’t want anyone besides my husband so why do I care if anyone besides him wants me? And I know 100% he does. So I should be focusing on what makes me feel good (like riding my bike and eating healthier) and not just obsessively kicking myself for not already being in better shape, or for letting myself get out of shape in the first place.

I’ve made myself miserable for so long now, it’s time I really try and live and be happy and appreciate myself in the ways others show they appreciate me.


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New Moon Intentions


Today I had an interesting text chat with Jim about some of the things I would like to change about myself and about my life. Some of it is superficial- I’ve been dressing the same for years now- tee shirts and yoga pants. That is literally 98% of my wardrobe, and the other 2% is only from recent purchases. I have been hating my body for so many years now, telling myself “Oh, you can buy clothes when you lose this weight, otherwise on this body it would be a waste!”

Some of the shift toward wanting to dress better is the fact that I am getting into shape; I’ve already lost about 15 lbs if not more. I’ve gone down a size, two in some cases. Another reason to buy new clothes- all my old ones are baggy now. Even though my body isn’t necessarily where I want it to be, I know I could do a much better job showcasing what is there now. Feeling better about myself can only push me to continue to improve myself.

I don’t have the money to just buy myself a whole new wardrobe all at once. It’s going to be hard for me to buy things even one at a time, just because I’ve convinced myself  for so long that buying cute clothes is a waste of time!

The other superficial thing I would like to change is to get good at makeup! I have never showcased it here, but I’m actually a talented artist. I use many mediums, including painting. By all accounts I should be quite good at makeup! Alas, I am not. I have been wearing makeup sporadically since high school, so I can do the basics. But I want to get good with contouring, get a good natural, signature look going on, and wear it regularly. Because I always feel really good about myself when I’m made up! I don’t go to events so, again, I have convinced myself there’s really no reason to gussy myself up. Another belief founded on my lack of self esteem; the thought that it’s not worth the time to make myself feel good about myself.

So those two things are superficial but, at the same time, will require mental and emotional work on my part.

The other thing I would like to change is my attitude. I want to give many, many fewer fucks.

That’s gonna be a hard one. Because I care a LOT about what people think about me.

I’m never going to be someone who doesn’t care about what other people think at ALL, of course. I will always do my best to be an empathetic, thoughtful person. But I get so terribly tightly wound up about what people might be thinking or feeling about me that I let it color my thinking and make my decisions for me.

Letting that obsession go has a lot to do with letting my EGO go. Because every second I spend thinking about what someone thinks about me is a second being spent thinking about myself. It all seems terribly self-centered when it comes down to it, right?

I need/want to spend more time just being. Getting out of my head, out of my own way and just being with myself or being with the people I love. It would make me a better parent, for one. All that energy- and being obsessive takes a LOT of energy- is much better spent elsewhere.

You know, it’s interesting that I’m having all these manifestation and intention-setting type thoughts right now, because tonight is the New Moon! The time to set intentions for manifestation.

It’s also the New Moon in Cancer, which means a lot to me because I am a Cancer. My birthday is this coming Monday. All of these transitional times converging. And I’m not nervous about it, actually. Not dreading turning another year older. I’m actually looking forward to this coming year. I feel like it’s going to be one of my best yet as my intentions and wishes crystallize. If I can see the goal, I can work for it.

From this point on I need to let go of the obsession with the past, the obsessive anxiety about the future, and the constant spinning on what my momentary social interaction meant or what so and so thinks about a decision I want to make. I need to trust my amazing intuition, be present, and take pride in the person I am right now. Because I’m pretty damn great, and only getting better with age.


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