Moving Forward

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I have a lot on my mind right now.

My personal/family issues have evolved.

My brain seems to be trying to cope by making me feel even worse, digging up old memories, paranoias, and hurts. I guess to distract myself from this new pain with old, familiar pains. So, um, thanks for that you fucking scumbag brain.

I think my new dosage of medication is finally starting to sink in. Having anxiety like that is literal hell on earth. If there was a hell I definitely feel like it would be nothing but panic attacks all the time. I can’t think of much worse.

I emailed one of my family members in regards to an (inadvertent) hurt that has been placed upon me and now I await the response.

I messaged my brother about it and he hasn’t responded so maybe he thinks that was a bad idea.

I don’t know.

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Writing this at 10 pm. It’s taken me all day to put this entry together LOL. I received my email back and it was very validating and very helpful. It’s one of the better things that has happened to me this year.

I’m still working on my name change.

I rode my bike.

Been thinking about life and about all the stupid crap I worry about all the time. How obsessively I hate my body and worry that it’s not hot enough to make people want me. How lame is that? I don’t want anyone besides my husband so why do I care if anyone besides him wants me? And I know 100% he does. So I should be focusing on what makes me feel good (like riding my bike and eating healthier) and not just obsessively kicking myself for not already being in better shape, or for letting myself get out of shape in the first place.

I’ve made myself miserable for so long now, it’s time I really try and live and be happy and appreciate myself in the ways others show they appreciate me.

 

Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/

 

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New Moon Intentions

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Today I had an interesting text chat with Jim about some of the things I would like to change about myself and about my life. Some of it is superficial- I’ve been dressing the same for years now- tee shirts and yoga pants. That is literally 98% of my wardrobe, and the other 2% is only from recent purchases. I have been hating my body for so many years now, telling myself “Oh, you can buy clothes when you lose this weight, otherwise on this body it would be a waste!”

Some of the shift toward wanting to dress better is the fact that I am getting into shape; I’ve already lost about 15 lbs if not more. I’ve gone down a size, two in some cases. Another reason to buy new clothes- all my old ones are baggy now. Even though my body isn’t necessarily where I want it to be, I know I could do a much better job showcasing what is there now. Feeling better about myself can only push me to continue to improve myself.

I don’t have the money to just buy myself a whole new wardrobe all at once. It’s going to be hard for me to buy things even one at a time, just because I’ve convinced myself  for so long that buying cute clothes is a waste of time!

The other superficial thing I would like to change is to get good at makeup! I have never showcased it here, but I’m actually a talented artist. I use many mediums, including painting. By all accounts I should be quite good at makeup! Alas, I am not. I have been wearing makeup sporadically since high school, so I can do the basics. But I want to get good with contouring, get a good natural, signature look going on, and wear it regularly. Because I always feel really good about myself when I’m made up! I don’t go to events so, again, I have convinced myself there’s really no reason to gussy myself up. Another belief founded on my lack of self esteem; the thought that it’s not worth the time to make myself feel good about myself.

So those two things are superficial but, at the same time, will require mental and emotional work on my part.

The other thing I would like to change is my attitude. I want to give many, many fewer fucks.

That’s gonna be a hard one. Because I care a LOT about what people think about me.

I’m never going to be someone who doesn’t care about what other people think at ALL, of course. I will always do my best to be an empathetic, thoughtful person. But I get so terribly tightly wound up about what people might be thinking or feeling about me that I let it color my thinking and make my decisions for me.

Letting that obsession go has a lot to do with letting my EGO go. Because every second I spend thinking about what someone thinks about me is a second being spent thinking about myself. It all seems terribly self-centered when it comes down to it, right?

I need/want to spend more time just being. Getting out of my head, out of my own way and just being with myself or being with the people I love. It would make me a better parent, for one. All that energy- and being obsessive takes a LOT of energy- is much better spent elsewhere.

You know, it’s interesting that I’m having all these manifestation and intention-setting type thoughts right now, because tonight is the New Moon! The time to set intentions for manifestation.

It’s also the New Moon in Cancer, which means a lot to me because I am a Cancer. My birthday is this coming Monday. All of these transitional times converging. And I’m not nervous about it, actually. Not dreading turning another year older. I’m actually looking forward to this coming year. I feel like it’s going to be one of my best yet as my intentions and wishes crystallize. If I can see the goal, I can work for it.

From this point on I need to let go of the obsession with the past, the obsessive anxiety about the future, and the constant spinning on what my momentary social interaction meant or what so and so thinks about a decision I want to make. I need to trust my amazing intuition, be present, and take pride in the person I am right now. Because I’m pretty damn great, and only getting better with age.

 

Image Credit: http://gostica.com/

Guilt and Fear

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A large part of having an anxiety disorder can be guilt. When you are irrationally anxious, those thoughts can manifest themselves as grandiose conspiracy theories against yourself. It’s pretty damn self centered at the core of it, but it’s certainly not narcissism.

I have guilt for lots of reasons. I feel like I remember every wrong thing I have done since I was a toddler. Truly. Things that, as an adult viewing a child, I would not condemn a young child for, I condemn myself as a child freely.

As I have gotten older and as my anxiety has been treated, I suffer from far less guilt attacks. But sometimes, when I am in deep existential pain, the guilt resurfaces. Because I am in pain. And I don’t have a logical source for the pain. So I invent one. And often my invention is digging up every bad thing I’ve ever done in the past and deciding that this unbearable pain is punishment for the terrible, terrible person I have been. And am.

It doesn’t matter how many times people tell me what a wonderful person I am. I simply decide that I have fooled them all somehow.

And then fear sets in, deep dreadful fear that comes with anxiety and panic attacks. The fear that somehow, some way, people will find the “truth” about you.

My biggest fear is that I will be judged and come up unworthy, or worse, BAD.

Because of this fear, I have hidden and self sabotaged myself from the time I was a child. I made a lot of poor decisions in relationships and in life because of this fear of disappointing or of being condemned.

Now, on the cusp of growth and (hopefully) greater visibility, my old anxieties return. And because I am anxious, I feel there needs to be a reason. And I turn to guilt.

In the end, I myself need to realize and accept the fact that I AM a good person.

I can’t continue to turn to others to give me that validation. After all, I’ve been receiving that validation for decades and it still isn’t enough to kill the demons of guilt and fear inside of me. So I have to slay these demons myself.

Not everyone is going to like me, or think I’m great, or even, I’m assuming, good. Someone, for some reason, may think I’m a terrible person. I haven’t left a great impression on everyone I’ve ever met. That’s just not possible.

In the end, I have done my best my whole life to be a good person. My motto is literally “Be harmless”. But things I have done have undoubtedly left scars on someone. None of us are completely harmless, although I believe the majority of us try to be.

I need to accept who I am and what I have done. Other people already have. But what good is it unless I actually believe it?

 

 

Image Credit: http://darkrose42-stock.deviantart.com/

 

Vulnerability

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Vulnerability is something that I have shown too much of in my life. I trust people too easily with my innermost thoughts. I am honest to a fault about my own inadequacies and there are a lot of people out there who will take advantage of that.

Another bad habit related to showing my weaker side is I turn to some people for help that I should not. It’s kind of funny, because in general I don’t ask for help from anyone, ever, even when I should. But the people I have historically reached out to, I shouldn’t have. I fear it’s led them to view me as weak and unintelligent.

I know some of these thoughts I am having are self-inflicted victim blaming, because what I’m really talking about is the treatment I am receiving from this aforementioned person. The treatment is not okay, and it’s part of a historical pattern between us. And I want to blame myself for it, and I do, because I have made myself vulnerable to this person. And they have helped me, many times. But they still treat me poorly.

I honestly don’t know how much detail to go into, because I don’t know the anonymity of this blog.

It has to do with family, and family is an increasingly sticky subject these days.

Maybe my feelings of mistreatment are unfair. I do not think it is intentional by this person in the slightest. Which is one reason I blame myself, for giving this person the impression that I am weak, or not smart, or incompetent, and those are the assumptions they are acting on. Because that is how they treat me at times.

It’s so complicated.

I don’t know if I should be more vulnerable in general, or less. I like being an honest person. But I don’t need to go out of my way and tell people about my weaknesses.

It partially comes down to self esteem. If my self esteem were higher, I could continue to be honest and vulnerable, but in ways other than self-deprecation.

In the end, again speaking about a specific relationship, I don’t think this person will ever see me for who I truly am and what I have to offer. It’s both our fault and no one’s fault. The history is too great and too long. When you witness someone grow over a number of years, part of you never forgets what they grew from and what their stumbling blocks were.

I’m just feeling very unsure of myself in general right now. I’m vacillating between feeling on the precipice of great personal growth and confidence, and the feeling that everything could fall apart at a moment’s notice, and that I would be better served to just crawl back into my hole.

I think one reason I’m having some issues with my mood is that I have not been able to bike recently for reasons outside of my control. I should be able to in the next day or so, and I know it will improve my mood and the way my mind and body feel in general.

I’ve been using a lot of caffeine which doesn’t help my anxiety and overthinking, but I feel so energy-less and depressed. Again, I think, related to my current inability to work my frustrations out with cardio.

Apparently Neptune is about to go retrograde, which it is about 40% of the time, or so I have read. A lot of the mental and spiritual places I am at resonate with what Neptune retrograde represents- here is an excerpt from the Sage Goddess website:

“On Saturday, June 17th, transiting Neptune will go retrograde and appear to move backwards for about five months, through November 22nd. On a simplified level, planets represent functions. Neptune is associated with our imagination, dreaming, visioning, fantasizing, suffering, confusion, unconditional loving, compassion, and grace. Neptune reflects our relationship with something greater than ourselves, and our relationship with the collective unconscious. Retrograde planets represent a reclaiming, reviewing, re-defining, or returning of/to the functions associated with the planet. Using this formula, Neptune retrograde can be interpreted many ways, such as: reclaiming one’s imagination, re-defining one’s vision, reviewing the truth of compassion, or returning to Love.”

Those things are 100% what I am going through and feeling right now and I hope this retrograde will assist in continuing my journey. I feel like I am fighting to reclaim pieces of my vision and my imagination that were lost in my darkest moments. I’m also fighting with anger and resentment (see the beginning of this blog entry). I’m fighting for my identity. I wonder what sort of clarity I will feel moving into my 32nd year. This past year has been one of major growth, and I am putting in and continue to be willing to put in hard work to reclaim and reinvent myself, so I can only imagine Year 32 will be a big one.

 

Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/