Hello Again



Well, it’s been a long time since I posted a blog. I guess you get to a point in your life sometimes where things are so overwhelming that you can’t write them out. That’s usually the time you should actually write things out, but sometimes when I’m overwhelmed I do the exact opposite of the things that are going to make me feel better.

The rift in my family has grown to such that I don’t think it will ever be repaired. I’m having major abandonment issues as well as flashbacks to being younger and being forced to choose family allegiances. It’s all been extremely triggering.

I think my medications are doing a decent job. I’ve had a lot of paranoia lately but I can’t say whether that is chemical or deep psychological issues. As I’ve expressed before, my coping mechanism seems to be to ignore what is really troubling me and direct all of my energy into baseless terrors.

My kids are back in school, they’re about to start week two. I haven’t done anything with my free time yet. I want to work on streaming my gaming on Twitch.tv. I actually have steamed a few times, only once with my webcam on. If I really get into it I can monetize.

I’ve been losing a lot of weight, I’m down to almost where I want to be. I’ve been working out some but mostly it’s been IBS caused by my high anxiety levels. So I need to step up my workouts in case the IBS stops because I do NOT want to gain all of the weight back. I’ve also been eating healthier except for the last few days. I just cannot gain this weight back; I feel terrible when I’m fat. I need to get a tummy tuck really badly, between having my two kids and letting myself get so big I have more loose skin than I care for.

I don’t know what else to write about or comment on. I have all these internal struggles but there’s so much shit going on in the world around me. I don’t have any unique thoughts to add to the cacophony.


Image Credit: https://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com


Moving Forward



I have a lot on my mind right now.

My personal/family issues have evolved.

My brain seems to be trying to cope by making me feel even worse, digging up old memories, paranoias, and hurts. I guess to distract myself from this new pain with old, familiar pains. So, um, thanks for that you fucking scumbag brain.

I think my new dosage of medication is finally starting to sink in. Having anxiety like that is literal hell on earth. If there was a hell I definitely feel like it would be nothing but panic attacks all the time. I can’t think of much worse.

I emailed one of my family members in regards to an (inadvertent) hurt that has been placed upon me and now I await the response.

I messaged my brother about it and he hasn’t responded so maybe he thinks that was a bad idea.

I don’t know.


Writing this at 10 pm. It’s taken me all day to put this entry together LOL. I received my email back and it was very validating and very helpful. It’s one of the better things that has happened to me this year.

I’m still working on my name change.

I rode my bike.

Been thinking about life and about all the stupid crap I worry about all the time. How obsessively I hate my body and worry that it’s not hot enough to make people want me. How lame is that? I don’t want anyone besides my husband so why do I care if anyone besides him wants me? And I know 100% he does. So I should be focusing on what makes me feel good (like riding my bike and eating healthier) and not just obsessively kicking myself for not already being in better shape, or for letting myself get out of shape in the first place.

I’ve made myself miserable for so long now, it’s time I really try and live and be happy and appreciate myself in the ways others show they appreciate me.


Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/


Having a Hard Time


This happens every month. Something about the hormones that come with my period affecting my brain chemicals. It causes me anxiety and depression. I have to take an additional med every month. It’s really compounded this month because I have a lot on my plate. And no one to help me. And the looming threat of financial ruin.


Image Credit: http://laura-graph.deviantart.com/

Recent Happenings


I have been really bad about any substantial updates to this blog! The irony is that I have SO much going on in my life right now, yet it’s harder for me to write for some reason. Part of the reason could be that it’s deeply personal and I don’t necessarily want to put all that info on blast, because who knows who is going to be reading it.

Besides dealing with family drama, I am still considering my name change. I have it narrowed down to a few names but don’t want to list them to, I don’t know, jinx the process or something.

I could blog about much broader subjects, like things that are going on in the world, but it’s all so depressing. Everything just seems so contentious and tumultuous. I live in the US and tensions between different groups are so high right now. In my somewhat short lifetime I have never experienced/witnessed this kind of hate and upset.

I haven’t mentioned it here I don’t think, but I am a gamer. I bought a few games from the Steam Summer Sale and pretty much did nothing but game on my birthday. I’ve been gaming a lot in general lately- I beat Portal 1&2 and then Portal 1 again and I’m working on 2 again and also doing the advanced chambers for Portal 1, of which I’m about 1/3 of the way through, and the user-made chambers for Portal 2. I am so late to the party on Portal! Honestly I am usually late to the party on things and by the time I get around to fangirling over them they are passe.

I also bought and beat The Room 1&2 (fun puzzle/mystery games), got most of the endings on The Stanley Parable, leveled up on my The Elder Scrolls: Legends game, started the first Half Life, and started playing Stardew Valley. So yeah, I’ve been gaming a lot lately. I also bought the Far Harbor expansion for Fallout 4 but have not played Fallout in over a month, I’m not sure why. I haven’t played Skyrim for even longer than that because I started a new character and recorded myself gaming, and didn’t want to do anything else with the character until I could record again, but I never really have the ability to because the kids are on Summer break. I could probably do it before bed after they go to bed but usually I ride my bike and then zone out watching TV and then reading. It would probably be a slippery slope to start gaming before bed again; I used to do it a lot and it led to many sleepless nights. Like literally, I would just play through an entire night.

I am currently dying my hair pink. I took the chance and lightened it again, and I think I got it light enough that it will hold onto the pink nicely. I will be happy to have my hair colorful again. I am literally never going to dye my hair black again. I am sensitive to the PPD that is in most black hair dyes. I’ve had reactions- one time I got blisters all over my ears! But I really read up on it after dying it this last time and PPD allergies, life-threatening reactions, can happen suddenly, and are even more likely if you have previously shown sensitivities- which I have. So I’m just not going to take the chance again.

I just got a Twitter message from Victoria’s Secret. I somehow messed up my password and got locked out of my account. The only way to unlock your account is to reset your password- but their password reset function is completely broken! I’ve complained twice since Friday. They told me they’ve told their “team” but I don’t know if that means anything. I can’t be the only one who has needed to reset their password! And it’s a 410 error that I’ve experienced in four different browsers so I’m absolutely certain it’s not on my end. The other solution they offered me was to delete my account and create a new one but the whole reason I was trying to log in that day anyway was because I wanted to try and obtain some sort of proof of purchase to return a defective bra.

I’m a huge VS fan, I live for their perfumes and their yearly fashion shows and basically everything they produce but these last couple experiences (the bra with the design flaw, the broken website) have really frustrated me. I guess we’ll see if they fix the site in a few days. I couldn’t help it, I had to update them that it still wasn’t working so that’s why they Tweeted to me, asking me to DM them. I don’t really think they can do anything else beyond this point, they just need to make sure the site team has the info!

Speaking of not-so-satisfactory experiences with companies- I am so upset at Snapchat! For at least six months I have been sent through a run around about getting my stupid phone number verified. I used their web form twice, hit up their Twitter, actually spoke to someone there, who asked me to fill out the same form, heard nothing, hit them up on Twitter again, they asked for my username and then- complete radio silence! I’ve messaged them AND put them on blast with photographic proof of their lack of response and…nothing. One rep said that one reason they don’t verify a number is because it has recently been associated with multiple accounts or something like that…but I’ve had this phone number for a year and a half and have had my Snapchat for over three years. All I want is someone to say for certain what is going on with the account and, less likely but still preferred- FIX it!

I’m actually not a difficult customer to work with. I’m super polite and because of that the VAST majority of my customer service experiences are great ones! I can count on one hand the bad experiences I’ve had, and I’ve worked with a lot of companies.

So my brother got accepted into my apartment complex! I’m very excited about that. Our kids are around the same ages and we all just get along well in general. I am so happy for them to be able to move out of my Dad’s house and have their own place. I’m envious of their unit because the complex has renovated TWICE since I’ve lived here and we live in the old crappy version still. The new version has a whole new kitchen, new floors, new bathroom fixtures. Super fancy. But we get a really good deal on the rent so I can’t complain too much. I am extremely grateful to have a home at all.


Image Credit: http://cliparting.com/

A Rose By Any Other Name


So I’m thinking of a name change. I can decide on anything. I want something that fits me but something I can shorten ie, Kim from Kimberly. You can make multiple nicknames from that and also just shorten it to “K”. So something with a D, B, or T would be good. I don’t know. I don’t want to jump into a new name because it’s a serious matter. I want my next name to be permanent. If I don’t stick with Saige. You can’t shorten Saige to a nickname, unfortunately.

Still working on my hair color.


Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/

Short Update



Well I haven’t done a Morning Motivation in a couple days. I took yesterday off entirely. It was my birthday. It was okay. I had a caffeine-related anxiety attack so that wasn’t fun. My birthday cold brew was too caffeinated.

Things could be going better. More family drama is coming out and it’s all very depressing. I have a lot to process.

I’m trying to fix my hair from black. Maybe pink this time.


Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/



So for the last little while my ritual has been to put on my headphones, lose myself to the music and blog. Buuuut tonight I thought I heard spooky noises so now I’m afraid to put my headphones on. So now I’ve got Kardashians on the T.V., myrrh incense burning, and I’m holding a lepidolite palm stone. Lepidolite is my go-to anti anxiety stone.

Hope the incense doesn’t wake the girls.

Ohhh this family (the Kardashians) are ridic LMAO.

My brother and his family came over to visit for a little while today. It was around dinner time so my kids were a little grumpy (my brother’s family eats later than we do). Other than that it was great to see them! I got a little bit of an illuminating update about how things are doing with extended family. DRAMZ. But the cool thing is my brother is going to try to move into my apartment complex! It would be so great to have them so close- it’s about a 20 minute drive to get to them now.

My incense mostly smells like burning and not like incense.

I honestly can’t believe some of what’s happening with my extended family right now. I never thought things would get like this in my family. It’s starting to come to legal blows. I just can’t believe it and I feel betrayed although no one is acting out against me personally.

Birthday is the day after tomorrow. I’m counting down like a little kid, ha ha. I appreciate lines of demarcation and really want my birthday to be the jumping off point to a great phase in my life. All I want for my birthday is an excellent salad.

I’m eating my “nightly oatmeal” right now. I don’t know why I’ve gotten into the habit of eating a little bit of oatmeal before bed.

I think my incense is making me break out in hives. 😦

I’m really enjoying all the music I’ve been listening to lately. I finally listened to Radiohead’s OK Computer in its entirety. Listened to Barenaked Ladies’ Maroon for the first time since high school when it was something I listened to on repeat while I wrote stories, fan fiction and original.

I also listen to a lot of rap and hip hop recently, as well as some older pop (definitely Britney Spears’ whole catalog). I’m a huge Beatles fan but haven’t been listening to them too much lately. I love Electric Light Orchestra, I just ripped some of their stuff to my iTunes.

I have about four hours of music on my iPhone right now that I’ve been shuffling through every night (except tonight unfortunately).

Okay I’m rambling now. Back to my oatmeal and then to bed.


Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/