Vulnerability is something that I have shown too much of in my life. I trust people too easily with my innermost thoughts. I am honest to a fault about my own inadequacies and there are a lot of people out there who will take advantage of that.
Another bad habit related to showing my weaker side is I turn to some people for help that I should not. It’s kind of funny, because in general I don’t ask for help from anyone, ever, even when I should. But the people I have historically reached out to, I shouldn’t have. I fear it’s led them to view me as weak and unintelligent.
I know some of these thoughts I am having are self-inflicted victim blaming, because what I’m really talking about is the treatment I am receiving from this aforementioned person. The treatment is not okay, and it’s part of a historical pattern between us. And I want to blame myself for it, and I do, because I have made myself vulnerable to this person. And they have helped me, many times. But they still treat me poorly.
I honestly don’t know how much detail to go into, because I don’t know the anonymity of this blog.
It has to do with family, and family is an increasingly sticky subject these days.
Maybe my feelings of mistreatment are unfair. I do not think it is intentional by this person in the slightest. Which is one reason I blame myself, for giving this person the impression that I am weak, or not smart, or incompetent, and those are the assumptions they are acting on. Because that is how they treat me at times.
It’s so complicated.
I don’t know if I should be more vulnerable in general, or less. I like being an honest person. But I don’t need to go out of my way and tell people about my weaknesses.
It partially comes down to self esteem. If my self esteem were higher, I could continue to be honest and vulnerable, but in ways other than self-deprecation.
In the end, again speaking about a specific relationship, I don’t think this person will ever see me for who I truly am and what I have to offer. It’s both our fault and no one’s fault. The history is too great and too long. When you witness someone grow over a number of years, part of you never forgets what they grew from and what their stumbling blocks were.
I’m just feeling very unsure of myself in general right now. I’m vacillating between feeling on the precipice of great personal growth and confidence, and the feeling that everything could fall apart at a moment’s notice, and that I would be better served to just crawl back into my hole.
I think one reason I’m having some issues with my mood is that I have not been able to bike recently for reasons outside of my control. I should be able to in the next day or so, and I know it will improve my mood and the way my mind and body feel in general.
I’ve been using a lot of caffeine which doesn’t help my anxiety and overthinking, but I feel so energy-less and depressed. Again, I think, related to my current inability to work my frustrations out with cardio.
Apparently Neptune is about to go retrograde, which it is about 40% of the time, or so I have read. A lot of the mental and spiritual places I am at resonate with what Neptune retrograde represents- here is an excerpt from the Sage Goddess website:
“On Saturday, June 17th, transiting Neptune will go retrograde and appear to move backwards for about five months, through November 22nd. On a simplified level, planets represent functions. Neptune is associated with our imagination, dreaming, visioning, fantasizing, suffering, confusion, unconditional loving, compassion, and grace. Neptune reflects our relationship with something greater than ourselves, and our relationship with the collective unconscious. Retrograde planets represent a reclaiming, reviewing, re-defining, or returning of/to the functions associated with the planet. Using this formula, Neptune retrograde can be interpreted many ways, such as: reclaiming one’s imagination, re-defining one’s vision, reviewing the truth of compassion, or returning to Love.”
Those things are 100% what I am going through and feeling right now and I hope this retrograde will assist in continuing my journey. I feel like I am fighting to reclaim pieces of my vision and my imagination that were lost in my darkest moments. I’m also fighting with anger and resentment (see the beginning of this blog entry). I’m fighting for my identity. I wonder what sort of clarity I will feel moving into my 32nd year. This past year has been one of major growth, and I am putting in and continue to be willing to put in hard work to reclaim and reinvent myself, so I can only imagine Year 32 will be a big one.
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