Getting Better


I never intended my blog to begin with a mental health crisis, but here we are.

Three days in, my obsessive “stuck” thoughts are finally quieting on their own without outside chemical help.

I would like this blog to be a bit more “lifestyle” but honestly I live in a tiny cluttered apartment and wear clothes too big for me because I’m losing weight.

I guess I could write about that, but there’s not much to write about. I watch what I eat and I own a foldable exercise bike I bought off Amazon. My depression and medication made me gain some weight over the last few years (I don’t like to say made per se, as I made my own decisions also leading to weight gain) but now that I’m on a better regimen and just in a better mental place I am back on track to a healthy lifestyle. And I think the lifestyle moniker is the important thing: if you do something simply to lose weight, once you are at your goal all you’ll want to do is go back to your old ways. If you change the way you LIVE to a way that makes you feel truly good both physically and mentally, then there’s no way you’ll ever want to go back to your old ways. Sudden crises barring, of course…

Prior to the extra weight I have on me now, I had eaten and biked my way to a happy place physically and mentally. But a lot of bad things happened all at once and I fell off the wagon. Add to that the weight gain side effects of some psychiatric medications, and I was suddenly back to where I had been before. Which of course just made the depression even worse. And so it was a vicious cycle.

It was a lot of mental work (and work with a psychiatrist!) to be able to get to a place where I could decide to finally get back on track.

I understand how hard it is- so I NEVER judge someone for the physical shape they are in. Obesity (and underweight!) are not just off-hand, one-dimensional choices. “Oh, I think I’ll be an overeater! Oh, I think I’ll starve myself for months! You know, just because!” No. There’s a lot more involved than that.

“Everyone you encounter is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

My thoughts on people’s propensities for judgment and their need to vocalize said judgments are best saved for another time, another blog post. Suffice it to say, though I harbor judgments and prejudices just like everyone else in the world, I try my best to keep them to myself.

“If you propose to speak, always ask yourself: is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”

It can be hard to hold your opinions in. Sometimes it feels like you really should or have to say something. I can’t tell you how often, before I left Facebook, I would type a comment or a post and almost send it, or send it and then delete it right after. I would think to myself, what is the true purpose of saying this? Many times it was just because I saw something that I took personally and, out of offense, felt the need to defend myself. But the majority of the time, especially on a platform like Facebook, people are just speaking to hear themselves speak and if they get a whiff of a post or comment that disagrees with them, they won’t even read it till the end. You’re either preaching to the choir or spitting into the wind on a platform like Facebook.

Here’s the thing: on one hand, I am an opinionated person who would like to have their opinion heard. On the other hand, I have thought to myself: who really wants to hear my opinion, especially when there are so many other opinions just being spat about, thousands and millions an hour on Facebook alone?

Referencing a part of my blog last night: I had convinced myself that my opinions were unworthy and needed to be silent. Which is honestly so strange for me in some ways. Let me tell you why:

When I was younger I was a huge loudmouth! I am an opinionated person and, as a child/teenager/very young adult, felt like if I had an opinion I HAD to voice it! It’s honestly a lot to do with how I was raised/who I was raised by. But my youth is not something I will be addressing in this blog post LOL.

As I got older, and I’d like to think wiser, I held my tongue more. And more. And suddenly, I hardly EVER said ANYTHING. And, now that I’m on the cusp of another birthday, I’ve been thinking very seriously about myself and who I truly am, and if I’m being prudent or just cowardly.

I decided that, either way, Facebook was toxic to me and was NOT the platform I would use for this newfound need to express myself. So I got rid of it. (Though I do miss the ease of keeping in contact with friends and family-at least the positive contact anyway!)

Thus, this blog was born. And I’m still not certain of the exact direction it’s taking, and I have serious doubts as to whether it will ever be read. But it still feels good to speak my truth and to send it into the ether. Maybe one day my words will resonate with someone. Maybe I’ll help or inspire someone. That would be my biggest hope.

For now, it’s mostly been navel gazing, but I suppose that’s alright, too.



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Still Directionless


Mentally, today was hard. But I have help for it, and I utilized that help. The day ended well, I had a really long, fun conversation with my nine year old, just bonding and chatting. I feel blessed every time my kids want to spend time with me, because I know it’s only a matter of time before that ends. With a seven and a nine year old my hope is that I have a few more years before that happens, but I am determined not to squander any of that time.

And as someone who remembers their childhood fairly vividly, I know how important and amazing it feels to have the undivided attention of a parent.

Honestly, my kids are such cool individuals that it’s not hard to want to socialize with them! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those “My kids are perfect and it’s SO EASY to be a mom” moms. I’m still not sure I’m particularly made to be a parent. And I don’t always have the energy to give my kids the attention I feel that they deserve.

Parenthood is such a double edged sword, and I feel that the majority of parents, being honest with themselves, would agree. But my kids are great people, and in my soul I feel blessed and thankful every day.

The other thing I did tonight was renew my hair color! I have blue hair. The last time I shampooed it, it took a bit more color out than I felt looked decent (I like the washed-out look but not the dingy look. There is a difference and this shampoo crossed that line.) So now my hair is much darker blue again. I never really thought I was a blue-hair type gal, but I think it may be my brand!

To get back to the title of this post, my “brand” is still a bit directionless. I’m still not entirely sure what I am doing with my blog or my online presence. When I was younger I ALWAYS wanted to share my life and my experiences. I feel things DEEPLY and always wanted an outlet for that. I got a bit of one with webpage building, Geocities first, and then in high school Livejournal came along. I got an LJ right after they started! I can still pull up those early entries on Internet Wayback Machine. Perhaps one day I will post them here.

As I got older, and as more things damaged me, I quieted myself, made myself smaller and closed myself off. Decided that I wasn’t worth sharing. That my voice in unneeded. And maybe the world is saturated with personalities, everyone shouting “Look at me! Hear my words!”

But honestly, that just gives me less of an excuse to censor myself. Even if I am completely lost in the noise, I am still using my voice! I am not meant to be a small, quiet person. I have never been one, and confining myself to that box has led me to such an existentially confused state, one that, as someone about to be 32 years old, I find unacceptable to continue into my future.

Maybe with this newfound means of expression I will be inspired to pick up my pencil or my paintbrush again. And then I can post my new art here.

It is a transitional time in many ways, for the world, for myself personally. I could wax (ha ha) about the current moon cycle but that would be an entirely new, longer blog post that I don’t have the energy for at this time of night. I will probably blog about it tomorrow.

For now, I will watch some Kardashian reruns and then tuck myself into bed to fall asleep to the sound of the frogs in the canal behind my home. ❤



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