Moving Forward

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I have a lot on my mind right now.

My personal/family issues have evolved.

My brain seems to be trying to cope by making me feel even worse, digging up old memories, paranoias, and hurts. I guess to distract myself from this new pain with old, familiar pains. So, um, thanks for that you fucking scumbag brain.

I think my new dosage of medication is finally starting to sink in. Having anxiety like that is literal hell on earth. If there was a hell I definitely feel like it would be nothing but panic attacks all the time. I can’t think of much worse.

I emailed one of my family members in regards to an (inadvertent) hurt that has been placed upon me and now I await the response.

I messaged my brother about it and he hasn’t responded so maybe he thinks that was a bad idea.

I don’t know.

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Writing this at 10 pm. It’s taken me all day to put this entry together LOL. I received my email back and it was very validating and very helpful. It’s one of the better things that has happened to me this year.

I’m still working on my name change.

I rode my bike.

Been thinking about life and about all the stupid crap I worry about all the time. How obsessively I hate my body and worry that it’s not hot enough to make people want me. How lame is that? I don’t want anyone besides my husband so why do I care if anyone besides him wants me? And I know 100% he does. So I should be focusing on what makes me feel good (like riding my bike and eating healthier) and not just obsessively kicking myself for not already being in better shape, or for letting myself get out of shape in the first place.

I’ve made myself miserable for so long now, it’s time I really try and live and be happy and appreciate myself in the ways others show they appreciate me.

 

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Can’t Forgive

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I’m remembering things tonight that I feel badly about. I have left my scars on people, as we all do. But I’m feeling quite bad about it tonight. I’m thinking about some of the things I did before I went into treatment. I know some of my actions hurt people. I was nothing but confusion and impulse at that time. I don’t even know how to put myself into the headspace to understand what was going on in my mind.

I’m having a hard time letting go. I always do because I can’t stop holding myself accountable for things. I read in The Four Agreements that one of the causes of suffering is to continuously punish yourself for your wrongs even after you should have forgiven yourself. And also that we are all doing our best all of the time. Which I feel about myself, but that almost makes me feel worse because it means I’m trying my best all of the time and failing.

I think if I didn’t understand that my previous actions have possible continuing effects on people I could forgive myself. But I imagine the wronged party, and I imagine them suffering because of something that I did, and I want to make myself suffer.

I received an Amazon gift card for my birthday and used it to purchase a Giving Key. I already have one, it’s brass and says “Faith”. Which I do try to utilize but it’s honestly just not that relevant of a word to me. It was given to me by my grandmother to symbolize faith in myself and faith in God. I’m not ready to pass it on just yet, so it must still have something to tell me.

The one that I purchased myself says “Fearless”. I thought about “Let Go” because it would help me let go of the past and then also to let go of my anxieties. But I chose “Fearless” instead because I am a fear-based person typically and every regret that I have seems to stem from letting my fear get the best of me. So I’m hoping that will be a helpful mantra. I already have a tattoo on my hand that says “I am over fear” which I had hoped would serve as a reminder but I honestly a) regret having such an obvious hand tattoo and b) kind of forget that it’s there ha ha.

I rode my bike tonight. I keep taking these long breaks in between. I’ve gained almost five pounds back.

This whole week I’ve been having panic issues. Panic is much worse than anxiety (which I have also been having). You literally become certain that there is something incredibly wrong and/or you are dying. Your body and your lower brain take over. I’ve been trying more and more to separate my thoughts from my body when the anxiety or panic take over. I’m pretty good at it but it didn’t seem to help much this week.

Here’s hoping I’ll feel better tomorrow. I’m exhausted from trying to keep it together.

 

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