Still Directionless


Mentally, today was hard. But I have help for it, and I utilized that help. The day ended well, I had a really long, fun conversation with my nine year old, just bonding and chatting. I feel blessed every time my kids want to spend time with me, because I know it’s only a matter of time before that ends. With a seven and a nine year old my hope is that I have a few more years before that happens, but I am determined not to squander any of that time.

And as someone who remembers their childhood fairly vividly, I know how important and amazing it feels to have the undivided attention of a parent.

Honestly, my kids are such cool individuals that it’s not hard to want to socialize with them! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those “My kids are perfect and it’s SO EASY to be a mom” moms. I’m still not sure I’m particularly made to be a parent. And I don’t always have the energy to give my kids the attention I feel that they deserve.

Parenthood is such a double edged sword, and I feel that the majority of parents, being honest with themselves, would agree. But my kids are great people, and in my soul I feel blessed and thankful every day.

The other thing I did tonight was renew my hair color! I have blue hair. The last time I shampooed it, it took a bit more color out than I felt looked decent (I like the washed-out look but not the dingy look. There is a difference and this shampoo crossed that line.) So now my hair is much darker blue again. I never really thought I was a blue-hair type gal, but I think it may be my brand!

To get back to the title of this post, my “brand” is still a bit directionless. I’m still not entirely sure what I am doing with my blog or my online presence. When I was younger I ALWAYS wanted to share my life and my experiences. I feel things DEEPLY and always wanted an outlet for that. I got a bit of one with webpage building, Geocities first, and then in high school Livejournal came along. I got an LJ right after they started! I can still pull up those early entries on Internet Wayback Machine. Perhaps one day I will post them here.

As I got older, and as more things damaged me, I quieted myself, made myself smaller and closed myself off. Decided that I wasn’t worth sharing. That my voice in unneeded. And maybe the world is saturated with personalities, everyone shouting “Look at me! Hear my words!”

But honestly, that just gives me less of an excuse to censor myself. Even if I am completely lost in the noise, I am still using my voice! I am not meant to be a small, quiet person. I have never been one, and confining myself to that box has led me to such an existentially confused state, one that, as someone about to be 32 years old, I find unacceptable to continue into my future.

Maybe with this newfound means of expression I will be inspired to pick up my pencil or my paintbrush again. And then I can post my new art here.

It is a transitional time in many ways, for the world, for myself personally. I could wax (ha ha) about the current moon cycle but that would be an entirely new, longer blog post that I don’t have the energy for at this time of night. I will probably blog about it tomorrow.

For now, I will watch some Kardashian reruns and then tuck myself into bed to fall asleep to the sound of the frogs in the canal behind my home. ❤



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