New Moon Intentions

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Today I had an interesting text chat with Jim about some of the things I would like to change about myself and about my life. Some of it is superficial- I’ve been dressing the same for years now- tee shirts and yoga pants. That is literally 98% of my wardrobe, and the other 2% is only from recent purchases. I have been hating my body for so many years now, telling myself “Oh, you can buy clothes when you lose this weight, otherwise on this body it would be a waste!”

Some of the shift toward wanting to dress better is the fact that I am getting into shape; I’ve already lost about 15 lbs if not more. I’ve gone down a size, two in some cases. Another reason to buy new clothes- all my old ones are baggy now. Even though my body isn’t necessarily where I want it to be, I know I could do a much better job showcasing what is there now. Feeling better about myself can only push me to continue to improve myself.

I don’t have the money to just buy myself a whole new wardrobe all at once. It’s going to be hard for me to buy things even one at a time, just because I’ve convinced myself  for so long that buying cute clothes is a waste of time!

The other superficial thing I would like to change is to get good at makeup! I have never showcased it here, but I’m actually a talented artist. I use many mediums, including painting. By all accounts I should be quite good at makeup! Alas, I am not. I have been wearing makeup sporadically since high school, so I can do the basics. But I want to get good with contouring, get a good natural, signature look going on, and wear it regularly. Because I always feel really good about myself when I’m made up! I don’t go to events so, again, I have convinced myself there’s really no reason to gussy myself up. Another belief founded on my lack of self esteem; the thought that it’s not worth the time to make myself feel good about myself.

So those two things are superficial but, at the same time, will require mental and emotional work on my part.

The other thing I would like to change is my attitude. I want to give many, many fewer fucks.

That’s gonna be a hard one. Because I care a LOT about what people think about me.

I’m never going to be someone who doesn’t care about what other people think at ALL, of course. I will always do my best to be an empathetic, thoughtful person. But I get so terribly tightly wound up about what people might be thinking or feeling about me that I let it color my thinking and make my decisions for me.

Letting that obsession go has a lot to do with letting my EGO go. Because every second I spend thinking about what someone thinks about me is a second being spent thinking about myself. It all seems terribly self-centered when it comes down to it, right?

I need/want to spend more time just being. Getting out of my head, out of my own way and just being with myself or being with the people I love. It would make me a better parent, for one. All that energy- and being obsessive takes a LOT of energy- is much better spent elsewhere.

You know, it’s interesting that I’m having all these manifestation and intention-setting type thoughts right now, because tonight is the New Moon! The time to set intentions for manifestation.

It’s also the New Moon in Cancer, which means a lot to me because I am a Cancer. My birthday is this coming Monday. All of these transitional times converging. And I’m not nervous about it, actually. Not dreading turning another year older. I’m actually looking forward to this coming year. I feel like it’s going to be one of my best yet as my intentions and wishes crystallize. If I can see the goal, I can work for it.

From this point on I need to let go of the obsession with the past, the obsessive anxiety about the future, and the constant spinning on what my momentary social interaction meant or what so and so thinks about a decision I want to make. I need to trust my amazing intuition, be present, and take pride in the person I am right now. Because I’m pretty damn great, and only getting better with age.

 

Image Credit: http://gostica.com/

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Midday Motivation and Other Things

So I forgot Morning Motivation! I left the house shortly after waking this morning and it slipped my mind.

As soon as I opened Pinterest I found this and loved it because 1) It’s the beautiful blue I am obsessed with right now and 2) It’s incredibly apt for where I am in my life and the choices I am currently making:

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Image credits: http://mash-elle.com/

Nothing changes if nothing changes!

It’s true but it’s hard. Many times it’s something inside of you that has to change so that your mind can realize you need to make changes! Meaning, eventually you get tired enough of the status quo and you either break or you rise. I’ve done both.

I still feel stuck in many ways. I feel like my hole is deep enough that sometimes I’m not sure how I’m going to get out. But I do my best every day by: Getting out of bed. Taking my medicine. It’s the minimum I can do. Since I have kids I HAVE to get out of bed, care for them, etc, obviously. But I suppose I always have the choice not to. But I do it anyway. And then I take my meds.

I’m saying this not to brag about how great or responsible I am, because to most people these accomplishments might barely seem like accomplishments. But I do feel some pride in adhering to my regimen. Not everyone does, for one reason or another. A lot of times it’s because you start feeling good and you start feeling like maybe you don’t need the meds after all. Or you read something online that says vitamins can fix you. Or, if you have an illness that cycles, you start thinking maybe you’d feel better when you can start feeling those manic highs again (if you get those).

None of this is to assign blame to those who go off their meds, because I have done it! More than once. And that’s why I do allow myself to feel accomplishment for complying with my treatment- because I know it improves my life and, in doing so, the lives of those around me.

I fear I’ve gotten off-topic. The topic at hand is change.

Eventually the bare minimum isn’t enough, at least not for me. Now that I AM on a good track, I also feel that I’ve fallen behind. And that got me down for a really, really long time. I’m learning to accept what has been and accept that nothing is going to change if nothing changes! So I can’t just keep doing what I’m doing and feeling low and expect things to get better. The change has to come from within me before anything “external” improves.

I have no words of wisdom or point I was making other than that this picture is very pertinent to me because I am trying to figure out what changes I can make to make the changes I need to make!

In an abrupt change of topic, I found Razzleberry Peace Tea today!

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I was super excited LOL because this hasn’t been available in my area in a long time! It’s just as good as I remember. 😉 Peep my “granite” countertops? And the white specks in the back of this pic aren’t crumbs, it’s stains or scratches or something. But in this pic you can also see my cookbook. Basically the only cookbook you’ll ever need, unless you’re vegan or veggie (I’m kinda pescetarian but I’ll cover my diet some other blog post).

My cookbook:

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Product on Amazon.

My copy is somewhat old, I don’t remember if I bought it new. It’s a version of an ancient version my family had when I was growing up. Mine is unfortunately water damaged from an exciting kitchen flood we had about six months ago.

The other thing I have worked on today is my hair. I don’t know if I’ll post any pictures of it. I’ll definitely post them on my Instagram eventually. I got it cut pretty short last night (shorter than it was supposed to be, to be honest) and I bleached it, as much of the hair was my natural color (dark brown). The rest of it was blue. I’m doing it blue again. I don’t know why but I’m very into blue hair right now. Blue anything, really. I’ll have to read some color theory. I know that blue ties into the throat chakra.

ACTUALLY, that makes a lot of sense! Lately it’s all about self expression and speaking my truth. Also, indigo which is pretty much a dark purplish blue is related to the Third Eye- very spiritual, and the changes I am going through are very spiritual, and a lot about trusting my intuition. That trust has been harmed and undermined for a LONG time, but I need to relearn it because I actually have very, very good intuition if only I would trust it!

Okay, well, my Chromebook battery is dying so I will end this blog post now. I bought Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff by Dr. Richard Carlson yesterday at Goodwill, I’ve never read it but have heard great things. I’m sure I’ll be blogging along as I read along. For now I will peruse the book while my Rockabilly Blue Manic Panic sets!

PS- I’ve been including Amazon links to some product I use, just to be helpful to people who might find them interesting. I don’t know if that cheapens the blog, I hope not. I’m not getting paid to promote anything, I just like to mention things I enjoy in case others would enjoy them as well!