Recovering

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My brain chemistry still isn’t 100% sorted out since this last “breakdown”. I guess I would call it a break down. I went through some really dicey times just recently, even dropping a bunch of weight. I was in crisis. I am not anymore. I am, however, on higher doses of medication.

Because I’m not fully “recovered”, things have been bothering me way more and for way longer than they should. For about a week I have been spinning on the fact that I took my kids to a neighborhood birthday party where all the adults knew one another and, for the hour we were there, spoke to no one. Except my kids. In my anxiety-inflated sense of self, I have this fear that people were observing me and that they thought I was snooty or a weirdo. In actuality, they were all joking around and talking with one another and paying absolutely zero attention to me. And there’s no way in hell they’re thinking literally anything about me at all anymore. But my anxiety says I am now the neighborhood weirdo and/or snob because I didn’t go out of my way to introduce myself at a child’s birthday party.

I’ve been reaching out for help a lot and receiving it. I am very blessed to have this help. My help says, and multiple other resources say, that other people’s thoughts of me are none of my business and also make 0% difference in my life. And this is true. I am fighting against my whole existence of feeling that what other people think of me is what my worth is. I need to find a way for my sense of worth to come from within. I don’t know how to do that yet.

I feel like I should have made more progress by now. But I am in a better place than I was before this latest setback, in many ways. I did some hard internal work during all of this and though I am still somewhat fragile, I have taken a step forward. This is what I am trying to reassure myself. It feels like I just swing back and forth endlessly. But I look back at a few years ago and I have made such strides since then, there’s no way it’s always one step forward and two back like it feels. Things are getting better.

I got a haircut the other day and it is so, so short. I can’t wait for it to grow out. This is my third questionable haircut in a row. I wish I could just feel good about the way I look. I’ve gained a little of the weight I lost during my crisis back, but I also have not been good about exercising, and I have been eating way too much sodium. I’m also pre menstrual so I know I’m carrying waterweight. I feel boyish and inflated right now. Just the opposite of likeable and sexy. But this poor self esteem, too, is one of my pre menstrual symptoms. I’m actually supposed to take a medication for ten days before my flow starts, due to my depression getting much worse during this time, but I haven’t been doing it. Maybe I should, it would probably help me. I’m still resistant to being on meds, I suppose. My most important ones I comply with, even though I don’t want to. I hate being on medication. But I know what I’m like without it. It’s just my reality that I have to take it…

 

Image Credit: https://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/

 

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Recent Happenings

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I have been really bad about any substantial updates to this blog! The irony is that I have SO much going on in my life right now, yet it’s harder for me to write for some reason. Part of the reason could be that it’s deeply personal and I don’t necessarily want to put all that info on blast, because who knows who is going to be reading it.

Besides dealing with family drama, I am still considering my name change. I have it narrowed down to a few names but don’t want to list them to, I don’t know, jinx the process or something.

I could blog about much broader subjects, like things that are going on in the world, but it’s all so depressing. Everything just seems so contentious and tumultuous. I live in the US and tensions between different groups are so high right now. In my somewhat short lifetime I have never experienced/witnessed this kind of hate and upset.

I haven’t mentioned it here I don’t think, but I am a gamer. I bought a few games from the Steam Summer Sale and pretty much did nothing but game on my birthday. I’ve been gaming a lot in general lately- I beat Portal 1&2 and then Portal 1 again and I’m working on 2 again and also doing the advanced chambers for Portal 1, of which I’m about 1/3 of the way through, and the user-made chambers for Portal 2. I am so late to the party on Portal! Honestly I am usually late to the party on things and by the time I get around to fangirling over them they are passe.

I also bought and beat The Room 1&2 (fun puzzle/mystery games), got most of the endings on The Stanley Parable, leveled up on my The Elder Scrolls: Legends game, started the first Half Life, and started playing Stardew Valley. So yeah, I’ve been gaming a lot lately. I also bought the Far Harbor expansion for Fallout 4 but have not played Fallout in over a month, I’m not sure why. I haven’t played Skyrim for even longer than that because I started a new character and recorded myself gaming, and didn’t want to do anything else with the character until I could record again, but I never really have the ability to because the kids are on Summer break. I could probably do it before bed after they go to bed but usually I ride my bike and then zone out watching TV and then reading. It would probably be a slippery slope to start gaming before bed again; I used to do it a lot and it led to many sleepless nights. Like literally, I would just play through an entire night.

I am currently dying my hair pink. I took the chance and lightened it again, and I think I got it light enough that it will hold onto the pink nicely. I will be happy to have my hair colorful again. I am literally never going to dye my hair black again. I am sensitive to the PPD that is in most black hair dyes. I’ve had reactions- one time I got blisters all over my ears! But I really read up on it after dying it this last time and PPD allergies, life-threatening reactions, can happen suddenly, and are even more likely if you have previously shown sensitivities- which I have. So I’m just not going to take the chance again.

I just got a Twitter message from Victoria’s Secret. I somehow messed up my password and got locked out of my account. The only way to unlock your account is to reset your password- but their password reset function is completely broken! I’ve complained twice since Friday. They told me they’ve told their “team” but I don’t know if that means anything. I can’t be the only one who has needed to reset their password! And it’s a 410 error that I’ve experienced in four different browsers so I’m absolutely certain it’s not on my end. The other solution they offered me was to delete my account and create a new one but the whole reason I was trying to log in that day anyway was because I wanted to try and obtain some sort of proof of purchase to return a defective bra.

I’m a huge VS fan, I live for their perfumes and their yearly fashion shows and basically everything they produce but these last couple experiences (the bra with the design flaw, the broken website) have really frustrated me. I guess we’ll see if they fix the site in a few days. I couldn’t help it, I had to update them that it still wasn’t working so that’s why they Tweeted to me, asking me to DM them. I don’t really think they can do anything else beyond this point, they just need to make sure the site team has the info!

Speaking of not-so-satisfactory experiences with companies- I am so upset at Snapchat! For at least six months I have been sent through a run around about getting my stupid phone number verified. I used their web form twice, hit up their Twitter, actually spoke to someone there, who asked me to fill out the same form, heard nothing, hit them up on Twitter again, they asked for my username and then- complete radio silence! I’ve messaged them AND put them on blast with photographic proof of their lack of response and…nothing. One rep said that one reason they don’t verify a number is because it has recently been associated with multiple accounts or something like that…but I’ve had this phone number for a year and a half and have had my Snapchat for over three years. All I want is someone to say for certain what is going on with the account and, less likely but still preferred- FIX it!

I’m actually not a difficult customer to work with. I’m super polite and because of that the VAST majority of my customer service experiences are great ones! I can count on one hand the bad experiences I’ve had, and I’ve worked with a lot of companies.

So my brother got accepted into my apartment complex! I’m very excited about that. Our kids are around the same ages and we all just get along well in general. I am so happy for them to be able to move out of my Dad’s house and have their own place. I’m envious of their unit because the complex has renovated TWICE since I’ve lived here and we live in the old crappy version still. The new version has a whole new kitchen, new floors, new bathroom fixtures. Super fancy. But we get a really good deal on the rent so I can’t complain too much. I am extremely grateful to have a home at all.

 

Image Credit: http://cliparting.com/

A Rose By Any Other Name

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So I’m thinking of a name change. I can decide on anything. I want something that fits me but something I can shorten ie, Kim from Kimberly. You can make multiple nicknames from that and also just shorten it to “K”. So something with a D, B, or T would be good. I don’t know. I don’t want to jump into a new name because it’s a serious matter. I want my next name to be permanent. If I don’t stick with Saige. You can’t shorten Saige to a nickname, unfortunately.

Still working on my hair color.

 

Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/

Short Update

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Well I haven’t done a Morning Motivation in a couple days. I took yesterday off entirely. It was my birthday. It was okay. I had a caffeine-related anxiety attack so that wasn’t fun. My birthday cold brew was too caffeinated.

Things could be going better. More family drama is coming out and it’s all very depressing. I have a lot to process.

I’m trying to fix my hair from black. Maybe pink this time.

 

Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/