Hello Again

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Well, it’s been a long time since I posted a blog. I guess you get to a point in your life sometimes where things are so overwhelming that you can’t write them out. That’s usually the time you should actually write things out, but sometimes when I’m overwhelmed I do the exact opposite of the things that are going to make me feel better.

The rift in my family has grown to such that I don’t think it will ever be repaired. I’m having major abandonment issues as well as flashbacks to being younger and being forced to choose family allegiances. It’s all been extremely triggering.

I think my medications are doing a decent job. I’ve had a lot of paranoia lately but I can’t say whether that is chemical or deep psychological issues. As I’ve expressed before, my coping mechanism seems to be to ignore what is really troubling me and direct all of my energy into baseless terrors.

My kids are back in school, they’re about to start week two. I haven’t done anything with my free time yet. I want to work on streaming my gaming on Twitch.tv. I actually have steamed a few times, only once with my webcam on. If I really get into it I can monetize.

I’ve been losing a lot of weight, I’m down to almost where I want to be. I’ve been working out some but mostly it’s been IBS caused by my high anxiety levels. So I need to step up my workouts in case the IBS stops because I do NOT want to gain all of the weight back. I’ve also been eating healthier except for the last few days. I just cannot gain this weight back; I feel terrible when I’m fat. I need to get a tummy tuck really badly, between having my two kids and letting myself get so big I have more loose skin than I care for.

I don’t know what else to write about or comment on. I have all these internal struggles but there’s so much shit going on in the world around me. I don’t have any unique thoughts to add to the cacophony.

 

Image Credit: https://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com

Moving Forward

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I have a lot on my mind right now.

My personal/family issues have evolved.

My brain seems to be trying to cope by making me feel even worse, digging up old memories, paranoias, and hurts. I guess to distract myself from this new pain with old, familiar pains. So, um, thanks for that you fucking scumbag brain.

I think my new dosage of medication is finally starting to sink in. Having anxiety like that is literal hell on earth. If there was a hell I definitely feel like it would be nothing but panic attacks all the time. I can’t think of much worse.

I emailed one of my family members in regards to an (inadvertent) hurt that has been placed upon me and now I await the response.

I messaged my brother about it and he hasn’t responded so maybe he thinks that was a bad idea.

I don’t know.

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Writing this at 10 pm. It’s taken me all day to put this entry together LOL. I received my email back and it was very validating and very helpful. It’s one of the better things that has happened to me this year.

I’m still working on my name change.

I rode my bike.

Been thinking about life and about all the stupid crap I worry about all the time. How obsessively I hate my body and worry that it’s not hot enough to make people want me. How lame is that? I don’t want anyone besides my husband so why do I care if anyone besides him wants me? And I know 100% he does. So I should be focusing on what makes me feel good (like riding my bike and eating healthier) and not just obsessively kicking myself for not already being in better shape, or for letting myself get out of shape in the first place.

I’ve made myself miserable for so long now, it’s time I really try and live and be happy and appreciate myself in the ways others show they appreciate me.

 

Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/

 

Mounting Pressure

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I don’t know how or why but there are a lot of things that get left to me to take care of. I guess it’s because I historically ALWAYS step up to the plate, but that doesn’t make it any less hard for me. I’m feeling resentful and also really stressed out about a couple things that need to happen in the very near future, that I’m certain I’m going to have to take care of, even though I always do it and I’ve been having MAJOR problems with my anxiety lately.

I’m actually a person you can count on in most cases. I have, from certain people at certain times, been given a bad rap for missing social engagements (due to my sometimes crippling social anxiety). Yet people knew that when trying times came, I could always be there to count on. And I guess that makes some people assume that, even if I say it’s hard for me at first, I’m always gonna do it. Because the fact of the matter is, if something HAS to happen, I WILL do it.

So on one hand I’m happy that people know they can count on me, but on the other I don’t think they comprehend just how painful things really can be for me. Just because you run on a broken leg to escape a tiger, doesn’t mean your leg isn’t broken and in excruciating pain. You just know the tiger’s gonna kill you right now, and the pain and damage in your leg can be dealt with later.

Anyway, I just hope I can take care of the things I need to take care of, because it seems overwhelmingly impossible right now.

I’m starting to wonder if the thing I need to write is a memoir of some sort. I say NEED because I do feel the need to write, but fiction doesn’t come to me easily anymore. You know what does? Pulling everything out of my past and dissecting it over and over. Actually, now that I mention it, this blog has been incredibly therapeutic. I have mentioned a few things in past entries that the burden of has kind of been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe I’ll just keep blogging. I’d rather share it all piece by piece, I think. And it’s just here, and that’s all. It’s not packaged and I’m not trying to shop it around (which would be very discouraging because my life isn’t all that exciting and I’m not sure my writing is engaging enough to interest anyone. If I were already famous? Definitely.)

It would also be very public to publish something. And I know if I sat down to write a memoir I would have to include EVERYTHING and it would cause problems. Because I would be honest about my experiences, and they would inevitable differ from the way others remember things happening.

Honestly, though, I’m starting to just want to be more, well, honest. When I was younger I COULDN’T hold things in, and when I got older, I couldn’t STOP holding things in. Now I am starting to learn boundaries and I realize that part of healthy boundaries is knowing when to speak up for yourself and for your truth.

It’s a dicey time to come to this conclusion, however. The drama with my family continues to unfold. I was able to speak to a party recently, and was able to (hopefully) give some of an outsider’s perspective. I also realized that there is a particular circumstance that needs to play out for this conflict to end, and I’m just not sure the other party is going to abide. It’s honestly a really simple situation, one easily mended, but I think the other party is being fed poisonous and erroneous information regarding what needs to happen. On top of the simple mechanics of the situation is years and years of emotions and resentment and I know that’s working against the resolution of the conflict.

I feel my writing is a bit disjointed tonight. I’m oddly tired. I’m on a temporary new medication so it’s possible that is the culprit. It also seems to be giving me dry mouth. I’ve been meaning to get up and get a drink of water for like an hour and a half now. So I guess I’ll go do that and then call it a night.

 

Image Credit: Paul Hayes

 

Recent Happenings

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I have been really bad about any substantial updates to this blog! The irony is that I have SO much going on in my life right now, yet it’s harder for me to write for some reason. Part of the reason could be that it’s deeply personal and I don’t necessarily want to put all that info on blast, because who knows who is going to be reading it.

Besides dealing with family drama, I am still considering my name change. I have it narrowed down to a few names but don’t want to list them to, I don’t know, jinx the process or something.

I could blog about much broader subjects, like things that are going on in the world, but it’s all so depressing. Everything just seems so contentious and tumultuous. I live in the US and tensions between different groups are so high right now. In my somewhat short lifetime I have never experienced/witnessed this kind of hate and upset.

I haven’t mentioned it here I don’t think, but I am a gamer. I bought a few games from the Steam Summer Sale and pretty much did nothing but game on my birthday. I’ve been gaming a lot in general lately- I beat Portal 1&2 and then Portal 1 again and I’m working on 2 again and also doing the advanced chambers for Portal 1, of which I’m about 1/3 of the way through, and the user-made chambers for Portal 2. I am so late to the party on Portal! Honestly I am usually late to the party on things and by the time I get around to fangirling over them they are passe.

I also bought and beat The Room 1&2 (fun puzzle/mystery games), got most of the endings on The Stanley Parable, leveled up on my The Elder Scrolls: Legends game, started the first Half Life, and started playing Stardew Valley. So yeah, I’ve been gaming a lot lately. I also bought the Far Harbor expansion for Fallout 4 but have not played Fallout in over a month, I’m not sure why. I haven’t played Skyrim for even longer than that because I started a new character and recorded myself gaming, and didn’t want to do anything else with the character until I could record again, but I never really have the ability to because the kids are on Summer break. I could probably do it before bed after they go to bed but usually I ride my bike and then zone out watching TV and then reading. It would probably be a slippery slope to start gaming before bed again; I used to do it a lot and it led to many sleepless nights. Like literally, I would just play through an entire night.

I am currently dying my hair pink. I took the chance and lightened it again, and I think I got it light enough that it will hold onto the pink nicely. I will be happy to have my hair colorful again. I am literally never going to dye my hair black again. I am sensitive to the PPD that is in most black hair dyes. I’ve had reactions- one time I got blisters all over my ears! But I really read up on it after dying it this last time and PPD allergies, life-threatening reactions, can happen suddenly, and are even more likely if you have previously shown sensitivities- which I have. So I’m just not going to take the chance again.

I just got a Twitter message from Victoria’s Secret. I somehow messed up my password and got locked out of my account. The only way to unlock your account is to reset your password- but their password reset function is completely broken! I’ve complained twice since Friday. They told me they’ve told their “team” but I don’t know if that means anything. I can’t be the only one who has needed to reset their password! And it’s a 410 error that I’ve experienced in four different browsers so I’m absolutely certain it’s not on my end. The other solution they offered me was to delete my account and create a new one but the whole reason I was trying to log in that day anyway was because I wanted to try and obtain some sort of proof of purchase to return a defective bra.

I’m a huge VS fan, I live for their perfumes and their yearly fashion shows and basically everything they produce but these last couple experiences (the bra with the design flaw, the broken website) have really frustrated me. I guess we’ll see if they fix the site in a few days. I couldn’t help it, I had to update them that it still wasn’t working so that’s why they Tweeted to me, asking me to DM them. I don’t really think they can do anything else beyond this point, they just need to make sure the site team has the info!

Speaking of not-so-satisfactory experiences with companies- I am so upset at Snapchat! For at least six months I have been sent through a run around about getting my stupid phone number verified. I used their web form twice, hit up their Twitter, actually spoke to someone there, who asked me to fill out the same form, heard nothing, hit them up on Twitter again, they asked for my username and then- complete radio silence! I’ve messaged them AND put them on blast with photographic proof of their lack of response and…nothing. One rep said that one reason they don’t verify a number is because it has recently been associated with multiple accounts or something like that…but I’ve had this phone number for a year and a half and have had my Snapchat for over three years. All I want is someone to say for certain what is going on with the account and, less likely but still preferred- FIX it!

I’m actually not a difficult customer to work with. I’m super polite and because of that the VAST majority of my customer service experiences are great ones! I can count on one hand the bad experiences I’ve had, and I’ve worked with a lot of companies.

So my brother got accepted into my apartment complex! I’m very excited about that. Our kids are around the same ages and we all just get along well in general. I am so happy for them to be able to move out of my Dad’s house and have their own place. I’m envious of their unit because the complex has renovated TWICE since I’ve lived here and we live in the old crappy version still. The new version has a whole new kitchen, new floors, new bathroom fixtures. Super fancy. But we get a really good deal on the rent so I can’t complain too much. I am extremely grateful to have a home at all.

 

Image Credit: http://cliparting.com/

Short Update

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Well I haven’t done a Morning Motivation in a couple days. I took yesterday off entirely. It was my birthday. It was okay. I had a caffeine-related anxiety attack so that wasn’t fun. My birthday cold brew was too caffeinated.

Things could be going better. More family drama is coming out and it’s all very depressing. I have a lot to process.

I’m trying to fix my hair from black. Maybe pink this time.

 

Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/

Nightblogging

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So for the last little while my ritual has been to put on my headphones, lose myself to the music and blog. Buuuut tonight I thought I heard spooky noises so now I’m afraid to put my headphones on. So now I’ve got Kardashians on the T.V., myrrh incense burning, and I’m holding a lepidolite palm stone. Lepidolite is my go-to anti anxiety stone.

Hope the incense doesn’t wake the girls.

Ohhh this family (the Kardashians) are ridic LMAO.

My brother and his family came over to visit for a little while today. It was around dinner time so my kids were a little grumpy (my brother’s family eats later than we do). Other than that it was great to see them! I got a little bit of an illuminating update about how things are doing with extended family. DRAMZ. But the cool thing is my brother is going to try to move into my apartment complex! It would be so great to have them so close- it’s about a 20 minute drive to get to them now.

My incense mostly smells like burning and not like incense.

I honestly can’t believe some of what’s happening with my extended family right now. I never thought things would get like this in my family. It’s starting to come to legal blows. I just can’t believe it and I feel betrayed although no one is acting out against me personally.

Birthday is the day after tomorrow. I’m counting down like a little kid, ha ha. I appreciate lines of demarcation and really want my birthday to be the jumping off point to a great phase in my life. All I want for my birthday is an excellent salad.

I’m eating my “nightly oatmeal” right now. I don’t know why I’ve gotten into the habit of eating a little bit of oatmeal before bed.

I think my incense is making me break out in hives. 😦

I’m really enjoying all the music I’ve been listening to lately. I finally listened to Radiohead’s OK Computer in its entirety. Listened to Barenaked Ladies’ Maroon for the first time since high school when it was something I listened to on repeat while I wrote stories, fan fiction and original.

I also listen to a lot of rap and hip hop recently, as well as some older pop (definitely Britney Spears’ whole catalog). I’m a huge Beatles fan but haven’t been listening to them too much lately. I love Electric Light Orchestra, I just ripped some of their stuff to my iTunes.

I have about four hours of music on my iPhone right now that I’ve been shuffling through every night (except tonight unfortunately).

Okay I’m rambling now. Back to my oatmeal and then to bed.

 

Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/

If I Were to Vlog/I Am Surprised By a Sudden Flood of Memories

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I’ve been thinking about vlogging instead of/as well as blogging. I’m probably better at writing my thoughts out than improvising them to a camera, but the YouTuber concept intrigues me. I guess I would talk about the same things I talk about here, which I guess is mainly mental health, although that’s not what I intended when I began this blog.

My vlogging would not contribute anything to the vlogosphere. There comes a point, however, when you have to stop thinking about what other people “need” and just “do you”. I was taught from a fairly young age not to indulge in any content creation that will not lead to monetization. Which seems like a strange thing to teach a kid. But I was told that my efforts should always go to something “productive” and “productive” did not mean art for the sake of art, it meant marketability (and thus, money making).

Specifically, I was very into fan art and fan fiction, both of which I wanted recognition and appreciation for, but was met with lectures regarding the concept that fan work was a waste of time. (I can tell you it wasn’t; they both allowed me to hone the crafts of art and writing. I’m not a professional by any means, but I’m certainly better for having practiced.)

[Here is where my post veers off course. Some sections redacted]

Some who knew me back then have vocalized to me in the last few years that they felt I consistently acted in such a way as to be “different”or rebellious, when in actuality it was quite the opposite. I tried so hard to express myself, my authentic self. I never acted in a way to simply raise eyebrows. I just liked different things, and sometimes had the courage to express those predilections.

It was honestly an incredibly distressing and invalidating thing to hear, that I was thought to just be some sort of rebel without a cause, when in actuality I was desperate to fit in and be accepted, especially by the adults in my life.

Back then I was very conflicted because I did not want to disappoint my peers and did not want to disappoint the adults at home.

I was also in a bad romantic relationship. Trying desperately to attain the validation I craved from the adults around me, trying desperately to feel desired, all the while being emotionally abused. And at the same time, dealing with the constant criticism and ire at home. Often in regard to this abusive relationship. Why wasn’t I strong enough to leave? Didn’t I realize what a terrible person and example to my younger siblings I was being??

I didn’t know who to turn to. I didn’t know how to ask for help from the other adults around me. All I could see were these forces trying to pull me in all different directions. All the while never receiving the love and validation I craved to feel whole.

I’m sitting here for about ten minutes now, having read through my previous words, this tangent I have gone on. The thoughts jumping around. Not knowing how to proceed. There is a lot more to the story. Years worth of material and pain.

And none of it cut and dry. I’ve never been perfect. No one is. I don’t think that means I deserved the poor treatment, though. Right? Like maybe sometimes there is a bad guy in a situation, and it can’t possibly always be me.

I feel like as this blog (SACF itself, not just this post) ages and progresses, I will probably air more things and go into more detail. I’m doing this all under my real name. It’s always possible the people I speak of could stumble upon this blog, and see themselves. And most likely feel I am “remember things wrong”. Which of course I will! Everyone remembers things in their own shade. But that doesn’t mean that I’m wrong entirely.

Some people do not accept the elasticity of their memories. Myself, I have allowed people to plant doubt in my mind. When in reality, my long term memory is very good, even if my short term is not so much anymore.

In addition to my growing faith in my memories, I am beginning to receive affirmation from others who were THERE, who really saw, as a third party, what was happening.

And they are telling me the whole time I thought I was crazy, I wasn’t.

I wasn’t.

I wasn’t being treated well. And it did scar me. So I talk about it as the feelings come.

As I get older and my children do also, I increasingly realize just how fucked up some things from my childhood were. It makes me re-evaluate the current relationships I have with people from my past. Sometimes I think I should just completely cut whole parts of my past out. I’ve been conflicted with that, especially as some behaviors have continued and I feel less and less inclined to be treated as though I’m simple. Or wrong all the time. Or crazy. Or not wise or clever. Yet I maintain contact, wish for validation, and make myself vulnerable. Again and again.

I don’t think I feel angry. Maybe a little angry. Hurt. Hurt is something I would mask as anger as a child. So I got marked as the Family Bitch. Which is laughable, as I feel I have become so incredibly toothless over the last decade…

Ugh, I can’t keep going. It all wants to spill out of me at the same time. And I fear this all is coming out as me feeling like a perpetual victim. Which I do not feel.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been victimized.

Anyway, the whole point was that I’m considering vlogging. I guess vlogging rants like this?

I’m not particularly pretty. But I don’t need to do it for the views. I need to do it for me. For my self expression. Just for me and if someone else likes it or gets something out of it or, best of all, if someone is helped by it, that would just be a big bonus.

 

 

 

Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/