Mounting Pressure

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I don’t know how or why but there are a lot of things that get left to me to take care of. I guess it’s because I historically ALWAYS step up to the plate, but that doesn’t make it any less hard for me. I’m feeling resentful and also really stressed out about a couple things that need to happen in the very near future, that I’m certain I’m going to have to take care of, even though I always do it and I’ve been having MAJOR problems with my anxiety lately.

I’m actually a person you can count on in most cases. I have, from certain people at certain times, been given a bad rap for missing social engagements (due to my sometimes crippling social anxiety). Yet people knew that when trying times came, I could always be there to count on. And I guess that makes some people assume that, even if I say it’s hard for me at first, I’m always gonna do it. Because the fact of the matter is, if something HAS to happen, I WILL do it.

So on one hand I’m happy that people know they can count on me, but on the other I don’t think they comprehend just how painful things really can be for me. Just because you run on a broken leg to escape a tiger, doesn’t mean your leg isn’t broken and in excruciating pain. You just know the tiger’s gonna kill you right now, and the pain and damage in your leg can be dealt with later.

Anyway, I just hope I can take care of the things I need to take care of, because it seems overwhelmingly impossible right now.

I’m starting to wonder if the thing I need to write is a memoir of some sort. I say NEED because I do feel the need to write, but fiction doesn’t come to me easily anymore. You know what does? Pulling everything out of my past and dissecting it over and over. Actually, now that I mention it, this blog has been incredibly therapeutic. I have mentioned a few things in past entries that the burden of has kind of been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe I’ll just keep blogging. I’d rather share it all piece by piece, I think. And it’s just here, and that’s all. It’s not packaged and I’m not trying to shop it around (which would be very discouraging because my life isn’t all that exciting and I’m not sure my writing is engaging enough to interest anyone. If I were already famous? Definitely.)

It would also be very public to publish something. And I know if I sat down to write a memoir I would have to include EVERYTHING and it would cause problems. Because I would be honest about my experiences, and they would inevitable differ from the way others remember things happening.

Honestly, though, I’m starting to just want to be more, well, honest. When I was younger I COULDN’T hold things in, and when I got older, I couldn’t STOP holding things in. Now I am starting to learn boundaries and I realize that part of healthy boundaries is knowing when to speak up for yourself and for your truth.

It’s a dicey time to come to this conclusion, however. The drama with my family continues to unfold. I was able to speak to a party recently, and was able to (hopefully) give some of an outsider’s perspective. I also realized that there is a particular circumstance that needs to play out for this conflict to end, and I’m just not sure the other party is going to abide. It’s honestly a really simple situation, one easily mended, but I think the other party is being fed poisonous and erroneous information regarding what needs to happen. On top of the simple mechanics of the situation is years and years of emotions and resentment and I know that’s working against the resolution of the conflict.

I feel my writing is a bit disjointed tonight. I’m oddly tired. I’m on a temporary new medication so it’s possible that is the culprit. It also seems to be giving me dry mouth. I’ve been meaning to get up and get a drink of water for like an hour and a half now. So I guess I’ll go do that and then call it a night.

 

Image Credit: Paul Hayes

 

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Nightblogging

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So for the last little while my ritual has been to put on my headphones, lose myself to the music and blog. Buuuut tonight I thought I heard spooky noises so now I’m afraid to put my headphones on. So now I’ve got Kardashians on the T.V., myrrh incense burning, and I’m holding a lepidolite palm stone. Lepidolite is my go-to anti anxiety stone.

Hope the incense doesn’t wake the girls.

Ohhh this family (the Kardashians) are ridic LMAO.

My brother and his family came over to visit for a little while today. It was around dinner time so my kids were a little grumpy (my brother’s family eats later than we do). Other than that it was great to see them! I got a little bit of an illuminating update about how things are doing with extended family. DRAMZ. But the cool thing is my brother is going to try to move into my apartment complex! It would be so great to have them so close- it’s about a 20 minute drive to get to them now.

My incense mostly smells like burning and not like incense.

I honestly can’t believe some of what’s happening with my extended family right now. I never thought things would get like this in my family. It’s starting to come to legal blows. I just can’t believe it and I feel betrayed although no one is acting out against me personally.

Birthday is the day after tomorrow. I’m counting down like a little kid, ha ha. I appreciate lines of demarcation and really want my birthday to be the jumping off point to a great phase in my life. All I want for my birthday is an excellent salad.

I’m eating my “nightly oatmeal” right now. I don’t know why I’ve gotten into the habit of eating a little bit of oatmeal before bed.

I think my incense is making me break out in hives. 😦

I’m really enjoying all the music I’ve been listening to lately. I finally listened to Radiohead’s OK Computer in its entirety. Listened to Barenaked Ladies’ Maroon for the first time since high school when it was something I listened to on repeat while I wrote stories, fan fiction and original.

I also listen to a lot of rap and hip hop recently, as well as some older pop (definitely Britney Spears’ whole catalog). I’m a huge Beatles fan but haven’t been listening to them too much lately. I love Electric Light Orchestra, I just ripped some of their stuff to my iTunes.

I have about four hours of music on my iPhone right now that I’ve been shuffling through every night (except tonight unfortunately).

Okay I’m rambling now. Back to my oatmeal and then to bed.

 

Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/

Party Time, Excellent

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Tonight was my youngest brother’s birthday get-together at my father’s house. He’s 26 now which is nearly unimaginable. I feel a million years older than him when in reality I’m closer to his age than to my husband’s ha ha.

I love my family and it breaks my heart that I am such an awkward person. We weren’t awkward growing up together so I don’t know why it’s awkward now. It probably all originates with me. Everything changed when I eloped and moved out abruptly back in 2006. Boy, is that a blog post’s worth of information but, that blog post is not this blog post.

It was nice to be out of the house for the first time since The Non Incident. Getting behind the wheel of my car again was healing to the strange wound in my brain. Of course, now my brain is a bit preoccupied with the happenings of the day, dissecting my interactions and trying to make me feel like a creepy crap head.

I think it’s hilarious but oh-so-fitting that this blog has been nearly entirely me going on about my stupid brain. I started this blog at a strange time for myself mentally. But I’m glad I am keeping it going instead of just filtering it out, saying “Oh, this is off brand for the persona I am trying to present, I’ll just lie about what I’m doing and how I’m feeling”.

I’m glad I’m not doing that because the main point of this blog was to be authentic; to be authentic in a way I have not been for quite some time. And an unfortunate part of my authenticity is dealing with and detailing mental illness.

I don’t really know how people feel about reading about others’ mental illnesses. The blogging “market” seems saturated with people speaking out about their mental challenges. Which is good for visibility and stigma-busting. But I hardly want to be an activist. If my blog posts help someone in some small way that would make this entire blog worth it, of course.

I’m extra ramble-y right now because I had such a busy day. Spending so much time in the apartment and then having a crap-ton of social interaction- as awesome as it was!- is somewhat exhausting right now.

Oh, man, though. There is family DRAMZ in my tree right now. Nothing I am going to cover, at least not at this point, at least not in any detail. For one, this blog is under my real name so it’s not like I’m hiding it. Also, there’s a lot of moving pieces and I just don’t feel comfortable sharing my complete thoughts, as I am still forming my judgments about the whole thing.

[REDACTED for TMI]

I don’t know if things will ever be the same within my family.

Add to that, with my impending birthday and all the thoughts and memories it seems to be bringing to the surface this year, there are some family members that I’m not sure where I stand with at this point. Like, things can be really good with these people but there are DEEP, deep hurts that I need to either let go of or dig my heels in and say, “Here’s what you did, it was WRONG, you hurt me, apologize or it’s over.” Which seems very petty and immature but, when these memories suddenly come up, it feels like a reasonable thing to do at the time.

Oh, I’m so tired and I’m rambling so much. Family is such a complicated matter.

But my youngest brother is such a cool dude, and he’s going through some personal stuff on top of everything else. He deserves all the happiness in the world, and he has so much to offer. He’s sweet, sensitive, sarcastic, and monumentally musically talented. I truly hope and wish for his dreams to come through and come true, and I hope this year is his absolute best yet.

 

Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/