Vulnerability is something that I have shown too much of in my life. I trust people too easily with my innermost thoughts. I am honest to a fault about my own inadequacies and there are a lot of people out there who will take advantage of that.

Another bad habit related to showing my weaker side is I turn to some people for help that I should not. It’s kind of funny, because in general I don’t ask for help from anyone, ever, even when I should. But the people I have historically reached out to, I shouldn’t have. I fear it’s led them to view me as weak and unintelligent.

I know some of these thoughts I am having are self-inflicted victim blaming, because what I’m really talking about is the treatment I am receiving from this aforementioned person. The treatment is not okay, and it’s part of a historical pattern between us. And I want to blame myself for it, and I do, because I have made myself vulnerable to this person. And they have helped me, many times. But they still treat me poorly.

I honestly don’t know how much detail to go into, because I don’t know the anonymity of this blog.

It has to do with family, and family is an increasingly sticky subject these days.

Maybe my feelings of mistreatment are unfair. I do not think it is intentional by this person in the slightest. Which is one reason I blame myself, for giving this person the impression that I am weak, or not smart, or incompetent, and those are the assumptions they are acting on. Because that is how they treat me at times.

It’s so complicated.

I don’t know if I should be more vulnerable in general, or less. I like being an honest person. But I don’t need to go out of my way and tell people about my weaknesses.

It partially comes down to self esteem. If my self esteem were higher, I could continue to be honest and vulnerable, but in ways other than self-deprecation.

In the end, again speaking about a specific relationship, I don’t think this person will ever see me for who I truly am and what I have to offer. It’s both our fault and no one’s fault. The history is too great and too long. When you witness someone grow over a number of years, part of you never forgets what they grew from and what their stumbling blocks were.

I’m just feeling very unsure of myself in general right now. I’m vacillating between feeling on the precipice of great personal growth and confidence, and the feeling that everything could fall apart at a moment’s notice, and that I would be better served to just crawl back into my hole.

I think one reason I’m having some issues with my mood is that I have not been able to bike recently for reasons outside of my control. I should be able to in the next day or so, and I know it will improve my mood and the way my mind and body feel in general.

I’ve been using a lot of caffeine which doesn’t help my anxiety and overthinking, but I feel so energy-less and depressed. Again, I think, related to my current inability to work my frustrations out with cardio.

Apparently Neptune is about to go retrograde, which it is about 40% of the time, or so I have read. A lot of the mental and spiritual places I am at resonate with what Neptune retrograde represents- here is an excerpt from the Sage Goddess website:

“On Saturday, June 17th, transiting Neptune will go retrograde and appear to move backwards for about five months, through November 22nd. On a simplified level, planets represent functions. Neptune is associated with our imagination, dreaming, visioning, fantasizing, suffering, confusion, unconditional loving, compassion, and grace. Neptune reflects our relationship with something greater than ourselves, and our relationship with the collective unconscious. Retrograde planets represent a reclaiming, reviewing, re-defining, or returning of/to the functions associated with the planet. Using this formula, Neptune retrograde can be interpreted many ways, such as: reclaiming one’s imagination, re-defining one’s vision, reviewing the truth of compassion, or returning to Love.”

Those things are 100% what I am going through and feeling right now and I hope this retrograde will assist in continuing my journey. I feel like I am fighting to reclaim pieces of my vision and my imagination that were lost in my darkest moments. I’m also fighting with anger and resentment (see the beginning of this blog entry). I’m fighting for my identity. I wonder what sort of clarity I will feel moving into my 32nd year. This past year has been one of major growth, and I am putting in and continue to be willing to put in hard work to reclaim and reinvent myself, so I can only imagine Year 32 will be a big one.


Image Credit:


Midday Motivation and Other Things

So I forgot Morning Motivation! I left the house shortly after waking this morning and it slipped my mind.

As soon as I opened Pinterest I found this and loved it because 1) It’s the beautiful blue I am obsessed with right now and 2) It’s incredibly apt for where I am in my life and the choices I am currently making:


Image credits:

Nothing changes if nothing changes!

It’s true but it’s hard. Many times it’s something inside of you that has to change so that your mind can realize you need to make changes! Meaning, eventually you get tired enough of the status quo and you either break or you rise. I’ve done both.

I still feel stuck in many ways. I feel like my hole is deep enough that sometimes I’m not sure how I’m going to get out. But I do my best every day by: Getting out of bed. Taking my medicine. It’s the minimum I can do. Since I have kids I HAVE to get out of bed, care for them, etc, obviously. But I suppose I always have the choice not to. But I do it anyway. And then I take my meds.

I’m saying this not to brag about how great or responsible I am, because to most people these accomplishments might barely seem like accomplishments. But I do feel some pride in adhering to my regimen. Not everyone does, for one reason or another. A lot of times it’s because you start feeling good and you start feeling like maybe you don’t need the meds after all. Or you read something online that says vitamins can fix you. Or, if you have an illness that cycles, you start thinking maybe you’d feel better when you can start feeling those manic highs again (if you get those).

None of this is to assign blame to those who go off their meds, because I have done it! More than once. And that’s why I do allow myself to feel accomplishment for complying with my treatment- because I know it improves my life and, in doing so, the lives of those around me.

I fear I’ve gotten off-topic. The topic at hand is change.

Eventually the bare minimum isn’t enough, at least not for me. Now that I AM on a good track, I also feel that I’ve fallen behind. And that got me down for a really, really long time. I’m learning to accept what has been and accept that nothing is going to change if nothing changes! So I can’t just keep doing what I’m doing and feeling low and expect things to get better. The change has to come from within me before anything “external” improves.

I have no words of wisdom or point I was making other than that this picture is very pertinent to me because I am trying to figure out what changes I can make to make the changes I need to make!

In an abrupt change of topic, I found Razzleberry Peace Tea today!


I was super excited LOL because this hasn’t been available in my area in a long time! It’s just as good as I remember. 😉 Peep my “granite” countertops? And the white specks in the back of this pic aren’t crumbs, it’s stains or scratches or something. But in this pic you can also see my cookbook. Basically the only cookbook you’ll ever need, unless you’re vegan or veggie (I’m kinda pescetarian but I’ll cover my diet some other blog post).

My cookbook:


Product on Amazon.

My copy is somewhat old, I don’t remember if I bought it new. It’s a version of an ancient version my family had when I was growing up. Mine is unfortunately water damaged from an exciting kitchen flood we had about six months ago.

The other thing I have worked on today is my hair. I don’t know if I’ll post any pictures of it. I’ll definitely post them on my Instagram eventually. I got it cut pretty short last night (shorter than it was supposed to be, to be honest) and I bleached it, as much of the hair was my natural color (dark brown). The rest of it was blue. I’m doing it blue again. I don’t know why but I’m very into blue hair right now. Blue anything, really. I’ll have to read some color theory. I know that blue ties into the throat chakra.

ACTUALLY, that makes a lot of sense! Lately it’s all about self expression and speaking my truth. Also, indigo which is pretty much a dark purplish blue is related to the Third Eye- very spiritual, and the changes I am going through are very spiritual, and a lot about trusting my intuition. That trust has been harmed and undermined for a LONG time, but I need to relearn it because I actually have very, very good intuition if only I would trust it!

Okay, well, my Chromebook battery is dying so I will end this blog post now. I bought Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff by Dr. Richard Carlson yesterday at Goodwill, I’ve never read it but have heard great things. I’m sure I’ll be blogging along as I read along. For now I will peruse the book while my Rockabilly Blue Manic Panic sets!

PS- I’ve been including Amazon links to some product I use, just to be helpful to people who might find them interesting. I don’t know if that cheapens the blog, I hope not. I’m not getting paid to promote anything, I just like to mention things I enjoy in case others would enjoy them as well!