Tonight was my youngest brother’s birthday get-together at my father’s house. He’s 26 now which is nearly unimaginable. I feel a million years older than him when in reality I’m closer to his age than to my husband’s ha ha.
I love my family and it breaks my heart that I am such an awkward person. We weren’t awkward growing up together so I don’t know why it’s awkward now. It probably all originates with me. Everything changed when I eloped and moved out abruptly back in 2006. Boy, is that a blog post’s worth of information but, that blog post is not this blog post.
It was nice to be out of the house for the first time since The Non Incident. Getting behind the wheel of my car again was healing to the strange wound in my brain. Of course, now my brain is a bit preoccupied with the happenings of the day, dissecting my interactions and trying to make me feel like a creepy crap head.
I think it’s hilarious but oh-so-fitting that this blog has been nearly entirely me going on about my stupid brain. I started this blog at a strange time for myself mentally. But I’m glad I am keeping it going instead of just filtering it out, saying “Oh, this is off brand for the persona I am trying to present, I’ll just lie about what I’m doing and how I’m feeling”.
I’m glad I’m not doing that because the main point of this blog was to be authentic; to be authentic in a way I have not been for quite some time. And an unfortunate part of my authenticity is dealing with and detailing mental illness.
I don’t really know how people feel about reading about others’ mental illnesses. The blogging “market” seems saturated with people speaking out about their mental challenges. Which is good for visibility and stigma-busting. But I hardly want to be an activist. If my blog posts help someone in some small way that would make this entire blog worth it, of course.
I’m extra ramble-y right now because I had such a busy day. Spending so much time in the apartment and then having a crap-ton of social interaction- as awesome as it was!- is somewhat exhausting right now.
Oh, man, though. There is family DRAMZ in my tree right now. Nothing I am going to cover, at least not at this point, at least not in any detail. For one, this blog is under my real name so it’s not like I’m hiding it. Also, there’s a lot of moving pieces and I just don’t feel comfortable sharing my complete thoughts, as I am still forming my judgments about the whole thing.
[REDACTED for TMI]
I don’t know if things will ever be the same within my family.
Add to that, with my impending birthday and all the thoughts and memories it seems to be bringing to the surface this year, there are some family members that I’m not sure where I stand with at this point. Like, things can be really good with these people but there are DEEP, deep hurts that I need to either let go of or dig my heels in and say, “Here’s what you did, it was WRONG, you hurt me, apologize or it’s over.” Which seems very petty and immature but, when these memories suddenly come up, it feels like a reasonable thing to do at the time.
Oh, I’m so tired and I’m rambling so much. Family is such a complicated matter.
But my youngest brother is such a cool dude, and he’s going through some personal stuff on top of everything else. He deserves all the happiness in the world, and he has so much to offer. He’s sweet, sensitive, sarcastic, and monumentally musically talented. I truly hope and wish for his dreams to come through and come true, and I hope this year is his absolute best yet.
Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/