My brain chemistry still isn’t 100% sorted out since this last “breakdown”. I guess I would call it a break down. I went through some really dicey times just recently, even dropping a bunch of weight. I was in crisis. I am not anymore. I am, however, on higher doses of medication.
Because I’m not fully “recovered”, things have been bothering me way more and for way longer than they should. For about a week I have been spinning on the fact that I took my kids to a neighborhood birthday party where all the adults knew one another and, for the hour we were there, spoke to no one. Except my kids. In my anxiety-inflated sense of self, I have this fear that people were observing me and that they thought I was snooty or a weirdo. In actuality, they were all joking around and talking with one another and paying absolutely zero attention to me. And there’s no way in hell they’re thinking literally anything about me at all anymore. But my anxiety says I am now the neighborhood weirdo and/or snob because I didn’t go out of my way to introduce myself at a child’s birthday party.
I’ve been reaching out for help a lot and receiving it. I am very blessed to have this help. My help says, and multiple other resources say, that other people’s thoughts of me are none of my business and also make 0% difference in my life. And this is true. I am fighting against my whole existence of feeling that what other people think of me is what my worth is. I need to find a way for my sense of worth to come from within. I don’t know how to do that yet.
I feel like I should have made more progress by now. But I am in a better place than I was before this latest setback, in many ways. I did some hard internal work during all of this and though I am still somewhat fragile, I have taken a step forward. This is what I am trying to reassure myself. It feels like I just swing back and forth endlessly. But I look back at a few years ago and I have made such strides since then, there’s no way it’s always one step forward and two back like it feels. Things are getting better.
I got a haircut the other day and it is so, so short. I can’t wait for it to grow out. This is my third questionable haircut in a row. I wish I could just feel good about the way I look. I’ve gained a little of the weight I lost during my crisis back, but I also have not been good about exercising, and I have been eating way too much sodium. I’m also pre menstrual so I know I’m carrying waterweight. I feel boyish and inflated right now. Just the opposite of likeable and sexy. But this poor self esteem, too, is one of my pre menstrual symptoms. I’m actually supposed to take a medication for ten days before my flow starts, due to my depression getting much worse during this time, but I haven’t been doing it. Maybe I should, it would probably help me. I’m still resistant to being on meds, I suppose. My most important ones I comply with, even though I don’t want to. I hate being on medication. But I know what I’m like without it. It’s just my reality that I have to take it…
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