Hello Again

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Well, it’s been a long time since I posted a blog. I guess you get to a point in your life sometimes where things are so overwhelming that you can’t write them out. That’s usually the time you should actually write things out, but sometimes when I’m overwhelmed I do the exact opposite of the things that are going to make me feel better.

The rift in my family has grown to such that I don’t think it will ever be repaired. I’m having major abandonment issues as well as flashbacks to being younger and being forced to choose family allegiances. It’s all been extremely triggering.

I think my medications are doing a decent job. I’ve had a lot of paranoia lately but I can’t say whether that is chemical or deep psychological issues. As I’ve expressed before, my coping mechanism seems to be to ignore what is really troubling me and direct all of my energy into baseless terrors.

My kids are back in school, they’re about to start week two. I haven’t done anything with my free time yet. I want to work on streaming my gaming on Twitch.tv. I actually have steamed a few times, only once with my webcam on. If I really get into it I can monetize.

I’ve been losing a lot of weight, I’m down to almost where I want to be. I’ve been working out some but mostly it’s been IBS caused by my high anxiety levels. So I need to step up my workouts in case the IBS stops because I do NOT want to gain all of the weight back. I’ve also been eating healthier except for the last few days. I just cannot gain this weight back; I feel terrible when I’m fat. I need to get a tummy tuck really badly, between having my two kids and letting myself get so big I have more loose skin than I care for.

I don’t know what else to write about or comment on. I have all these internal struggles but there’s so much shit going on in the world around me. I don’t have any unique thoughts to add to the cacophony.

 

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I Can

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I can do this.

I can exist without constant dread.

I can do the everyday normal things I want to do without succumbing to my anxiety.

I can be happy.

I can be content.

I can interact with people without dissecting the interaction for hours or days afterward.

I can take care of important errands without taking a Xanax beforehand.

I can be myself without the constant fear of judgment or rejection.

I can overcome this.

I can do this.

I can outlast this, because it’s not permanent.

 

 

Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/

 

Can’t Forgive

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I’m remembering things tonight that I feel badly about. I have left my scars on people, as we all do. But I’m feeling quite bad about it tonight. I’m thinking about some of the things I did before I went into treatment. I know some of my actions hurt people. I was nothing but confusion and impulse at that time. I don’t even know how to put myself into the headspace to understand what was going on in my mind.

I’m having a hard time letting go. I always do because I can’t stop holding myself accountable for things. I read in The Four Agreements that one of the causes of suffering is to continuously punish yourself for your wrongs even after you should have forgiven yourself. And also that we are all doing our best all of the time. Which I feel about myself, but that almost makes me feel worse because it means I’m trying my best all of the time and failing.

I think if I didn’t understand that my previous actions have possible continuing effects on people I could forgive myself. But I imagine the wronged party, and I imagine them suffering because of something that I did, and I want to make myself suffer.

I received an Amazon gift card for my birthday and used it to purchase a Giving Key. I already have one, it’s brass and says “Faith”. Which I do try to utilize but it’s honestly just not that relevant of a word to me. It was given to me by my grandmother to symbolize faith in myself and faith in God. I’m not ready to pass it on just yet, so it must still have something to tell me.

The one that I purchased myself says “Fearless”. I thought about “Let Go” because it would help me let go of the past and then also to let go of my anxieties. But I chose “Fearless” instead because I am a fear-based person typically and every regret that I have seems to stem from letting my fear get the best of me. So I’m hoping that will be a helpful mantra. I already have a tattoo on my hand that says “I am over fear” which I had hoped would serve as a reminder but I honestly a) regret having such an obvious hand tattoo and b) kind of forget that it’s there ha ha.

I rode my bike tonight. I keep taking these long breaks in between. I’ve gained almost five pounds back.

This whole week I’ve been having panic issues. Panic is much worse than anxiety (which I have also been having). You literally become certain that there is something incredibly wrong and/or you are dying. Your body and your lower brain take over. I’ve been trying more and more to separate my thoughts from my body when the anxiety or panic take over. I’m pretty good at it but it didn’t seem to help much this week.

Here’s hoping I’ll feel better tomorrow. I’m exhausted from trying to keep it together.

 

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Short Update

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Well I haven’t done a Morning Motivation in a couple days. I took yesterday off entirely. It was my birthday. It was okay. I had a caffeine-related anxiety attack so that wasn’t fun. My birthday cold brew was too caffeinated.

Things could be going better. More family drama is coming out and it’s all very depressing. I have a lot to process.

I’m trying to fix my hair from black. Maybe pink this time.

 

Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/

Guilt and Fear

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A large part of having an anxiety disorder can be guilt. When you are irrationally anxious, those thoughts can manifest themselves as grandiose conspiracy theories against yourself. It’s pretty damn self centered at the core of it, but it’s certainly not narcissism.

I have guilt for lots of reasons. I feel like I remember every wrong thing I have done since I was a toddler. Truly. Things that, as an adult viewing a child, I would not condemn a young child for, I condemn myself as a child freely.

As I have gotten older and as my anxiety has been treated, I suffer from far less guilt attacks. But sometimes, when I am in deep existential pain, the guilt resurfaces. Because I am in pain. And I don’t have a logical source for the pain. So I invent one. And often my invention is digging up every bad thing I’ve ever done in the past and deciding that this unbearable pain is punishment for the terrible, terrible person I have been. And am.

It doesn’t matter how many times people tell me what a wonderful person I am. I simply decide that I have fooled them all somehow.

And then fear sets in, deep dreadful fear that comes with anxiety and panic attacks. The fear that somehow, some way, people will find the “truth” about you.

My biggest fear is that I will be judged and come up unworthy, or worse, BAD.

Because of this fear, I have hidden and self sabotaged myself from the time I was a child. I made a lot of poor decisions in relationships and in life because of this fear of disappointing or of being condemned.

Now, on the cusp of growth and (hopefully) greater visibility, my old anxieties return. And because I am anxious, I feel there needs to be a reason. And I turn to guilt.

In the end, I myself need to realize and accept the fact that I AM a good person.

I can’t continue to turn to others to give me that validation. After all, I’ve been receiving that validation for decades and it still isn’t enough to kill the demons of guilt and fear inside of me. So I have to slay these demons myself.

Not everyone is going to like me, or think I’m great, or even, I’m assuming, good. Someone, for some reason, may think I’m a terrible person. I haven’t left a great impression on everyone I’ve ever met. That’s just not possible.

In the end, I have done my best my whole life to be a good person. My motto is literally “Be harmless”. But things I have done have undoubtedly left scars on someone. None of us are completely harmless, although I believe the majority of us try to be.

I need to accept who I am and what I have done. Other people already have. But what good is it unless I actually believe it?

 

 

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