I have a lot on my mind right now.
My personal/family issues have evolved.
My brain seems to be trying to cope by making me feel even worse, digging up old memories, paranoias, and hurts. I guess to distract myself from this new pain with old, familiar pains. So, um, thanks for that you fucking scumbag brain.
I think my new dosage of medication is finally starting to sink in. Having anxiety like that is literal hell on earth. If there was a hell I definitely feel like it would be nothing but panic attacks all the time. I can’t think of much worse.
I emailed one of my family members in regards to an (inadvertent) hurt that has been placed upon me and now I await the response.
I messaged my brother about it and he hasn’t responded so maybe he thinks that was a bad idea.
I don’t know.
Writing this at 10 pm. It’s taken me all day to put this entry together LOL. I received my email back and it was very validating and very helpful. It’s one of the better things that has happened to me this year.
I’m still working on my name change.
I rode my bike.
Been thinking about life and about all the stupid crap I worry about all the time. How obsessively I hate my body and worry that it’s not hot enough to make people want me. How lame is that? I don’t want anyone besides my husband so why do I care if anyone besides him wants me? And I know 100% he does. So I should be focusing on what makes me feel good (like riding my bike and eating healthier) and not just obsessively kicking myself for not already being in better shape, or for letting myself get out of shape in the first place.
I’ve made myself miserable for so long now, it’s time I really try and live and be happy and appreciate myself in the ways others show they appreciate me.
Image Credit: http://yesterdays-paper.deviantart.com/